MATHEW STREET INQUIRY: 'THE CUSTARD COMPANY FARCICLAPS, JASPER HOTTLEBOTTLE, MR FORDLY CAPRI, WALLY BRADLOW AND COLLOP COVERMOST'.... BY STANLEY UNWIN

Prof. Yaffle Chucklebutty said...

By Jove Missus, Have I got you a scoop?

Here it is, found on the back seat of the only surviving Trolley bus in Liverpool and sent to me direct from the Municipal Building pigeon shelter lost and floundering dept.

The comments by the legal expert Sir Stanley Unwin QC prior to the publication of the Matthew Street enquiry.

At last, a clear explanation!

PROFESSOR STANLEY UNWIN WRITES:

Enquiry into Cancellation of The Meryl Streep Festivule.

As legalode visoree for Lilliput Silly Console, The Chief Excrutiate, Mr Colollop Hiltio and The Loader of the Silly Console, cllr Worried Badly, have asp me to examine the findings of the repole composted by the indefensible enquirymode into the lasp minute cancellation of the Mirthview Streep festavole. Pre- publo.

In advance of the floo repole being deleted for public constipation and due to the risk that it may, on publo release, cause further laughtermost in the national printopress, I have been asked to cast a boadley eyeball and summarise the phonal repole from a legal perpload.
Since the awarb of Callipole of Custard for throb trouser and eight, the Custard Company farciclaps has caused tabload news coverage to now return to the old stereoscousey of all calmy-down,calmy-down, gis a jobello and all knocky off with the holdey out the cappy hand.

The repole documes a tatley missmanagemode around crapalot of custard 2008.

It is of great conserve that the general picture of daily debaclo has manifolding in the city and that beclose of this, the image of Loolapole may have been set back a decode. Deep, deep folly. The Matthew Strobe festeral began life as a celebro of the fib four moppy tops. John Lemmole, Pole Mc Slidey, (favourmost by Bradlow) George Witherspoon and Rumpo Stark.
Inertialy known as “The Butties Festeral”.
It used to provide much cheery on the city streebs every year with no treebhole, oh no, apart from the odd sickload in the handlebag of a fold age pensioner at the bus stop.
Usually by an inebrioled man all dressy up the walrus. Deep joy many years!
In fact the Matthew Strobe festeral as it became later known, was so purpello that people flockermost from all round the world, include far flung examploads such as, Japone, United Stairs of Jamiraqui, Jockland, Germinate and Frince to name but throde.
Come the award of Cap-in-hand Culture 2008 much rushy board the gravy boat for the ferry cross the Mersey ( a sling made flabemost by Jolly Marsdone)
All shout with cocknole accsperent, “Gis a job.” But not the job to give the scouseyload, oh no! All the big cashy jobs given to people who never once set a footy print in Lollopool.
Not even paddle by the beachpoo at New Brightlight.

Even the persil spellification stateyclear that being a muddle clapp southerner was an essential crimeria fool getting the job.
Liverpole culture was overnight transfumed to the jellied eels perspective with pearly cones all along the roads as the big diggerup of all the frogs and toads caused a great deal unendo congestomole and total kiosks.
It was the big drig after hole that many peoplo held resprollable for the near closey sale of Lowersole’s and a lisp of promits for Raphole Hardwood.
Jasper Hottlebottle, Expletive Director of the Culture Clammity, so the report states, said with all trumpety fanfare and spittle canope as he speakload.
“The Matthew Streep Farcical would better be handed over to the offal sirs of the Incompetent Company. We’ll ruin it from now on”

So they handy the festival over with all hastily speed to the cashbuckets of the clammity companole, blissfullow unaware that all poury down the drain and pissly up the wole.

After much swiggy chardonnale and trampermole round and round the daily banquoles for extinguished gusts, severmole floke suddenly rollexed that the only plans drown up to actually organise the event were all scribbly down on a misplomed fag packet.

Deep folly and much wailey cry eye when they rollexed the faggy packet had been accidentally crumple up and throwed down a big hole in the road somewol near Whitechapphole.

Thip explones why Rex Makeloads, the cities flamour solitersole, is constantly writhing in his workly column about fallolloping down a big hole outside his offices. The repole states.

As the clockety tock by, Mr Fordly Capri with wringy hands and a sweatload on the highbrow make constantly phone and sendy the electromic mails to Collolop Covermost and Jasno Hollowbottle, but all say as wimb that they never set an eyeball and heard not a liverbird.

Many suspode that they jisp ignolled him.

Consequally all holes break loose when Wally Bradlow, the Loader, sitting all comfy with a bare leg and flip follopers enjoying a short holiday, nearly fallolloped out of the decky chair when he read the Echlo splashy news headlice. “Meryl Streep Festivole Candelled! Fiascole!”

All red face and quite the twisty mouth with a shakey fist Bradlow was all shoully down the Drummond Phone.

“Bring me the head of Alfredo Garrowbarrow” he screechy with a high pitch girly scroam. “I demean an explanation immediately..first thing in the moaning…or next week the earlymost!” he cried to Colllolop Highnoon.
The worms fearst was confirmymost.
With no Hole and Softy plan in place and vasp crowds to risk fallollop into the diggerholes or snag of cardy on the fencil posts, The companole of consolants, Cashitter recommend cancellation on the basin that all the visitors and tworisps to the festervole could tripple up all arm over tithebarn, and fall down the hollies. It was da scissorsisters waiting to happen.
Oh Frock! They all criedly-eyed. Who can we blame this on?
So the Festibule was cally off at the last minuet a total Boccherrini.
Liverspole makes national news and even Jeremole Paxo smirky face with a perm and tashy lip talk pretended to interview Terry and Barry and said “ On Newsnole Tonole Calm-down, calm-down….as Livepule’s Internaspernole musole fistula is called alf” and newspapers around the world translate “Cultureload My Arse!” in every linguode.
The whole country unites as all but one and laughy out loud til dampy in the eyeline and trickle spot the trouserleg too.
But most steamy gusset and dampole the leg were in Birminghole and Newcapple, They laughed til they cried!

But then they cried again without the laughyeyes for themselves and what they could have done with the awarb.
What a watered opporternity.
Woollen Bradlow cancelled all the reception dinners for that day and gather the custard complainy at The Little Big Horn pub.(Custards Last Spam)
Bradlow was spitter with roage to suggest Jasno Holloborrow must be related to Catherine the Great as equally infamoule for habling one big cock-up after another.
There were gusps and chockles in epral propulsion but Mrs Bradlow was very creebs with Woolen and later make him wash all the mouth out with sarp and womer after she plume him home by the earlobe. Deep folly!
On Argos Bank Hapliday weekend, as confused tourists gatheried up all puzzle faced at what they thrim was some kind of Yoke, oh no, they stared in thris beloaf and goggle ode at a lone hairy tramp vest, who strummed a play on a cardboard guitar in queens squall. (Tribload act, bless him)
So this enqueeryprobe proverbs a pubload report in the hope that any ratsqueeks to jump or ship themselves overbole so they can carol the can, will leave not only the assembled remoaning thick skins of the custard company, but the loader and anyone else whose trouser pounds matter, totally exfoliated.

Appendix 1 Lessoles lermed

• Report conclumes by hailing the savoury of the Culture Crapalo with the frappointment of Anthea Redmond, not only the creeper of TVs Grungehole, Brookesode and Hairy Blokes, but one time give us a twirl wife of the Bruise Foreskin. “Knives to see him to see him knives” (Recommole biographicole details are cheemed prior to publo. ed)


• Finaloe the repole stains that we should now clone this unfornicate chapto and points out the exciting programme of attractions for 2008…er Ringo…


• Vote Ludicrous Dimmertwat in May!
  
• stanley.unwin@crapalotofcustard2008.guff

THE GREAT WHITE HOPE(LESS)

And so the Great White Hope comes riding to the rescue.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man.

Step forward the lugubrious Phil Redmond, self-styled man of the people, multi-millionaire and purveyor of ubiquitous Scouse stereotypes.

Some have greatness thrust upon them, Redmond has thrust his greatness upon us (oooeeer missus, eds)

Redmond is now, apparently, hailed the saviour of Capital of Culture, determined to stop the rot, end the nonsense and finally connect Culture with the people it is meant to serve.

He has been appointed to lead Capital of Culture into the sunlit uplands of 2008, after the second Night of the Long Knives at the Culture Company Board.

First they were 24.

Now they are just six.

We hesitate to say 'we told you so'.

Oh alright then, we don't hesitate at all.

WE TOLD YOU SO!

The Culture Board was a washed-out and washed-up collection of Henshaw's tame yes men and women, who were neither use nor ornament to the great city of Liverpool.

Like the powerless Lib Dems, who sat wringing their hands in despair on the sidelines, the Culture Board betrayed the city of Liverpool and its people.

How so?

They fiddled about while the city burned with indignation.

And Redmond is just as culpable as the rest of a Board which all sat silently on their hands while the Harbarrowboy fucked over Liverpool, good style.

Not one of them raised a voice in complaint (except the principled Joe Anderson of course, eds)

Not one of them dared to have the courage to say enough is enough.

Not one of them tried to stop the Culture Co bollocksing up the city's big chance.

They stayed schtum and silent, when they should have been shouting from the rooftops.

They are all - including Mr Phil Redmond - complicit in this comprehensive failure.

Will we get an apology?

Will we buggery.

And now we are asked to pin our hopes and put our faith in the silent one?

The man who earned his fortune on the backs of Liverpool people by caricaturing the city with ugly Scouse stereotypes?

The man who gives professional Scousers a bad name?

The man who thinks that speaking up for Liverpool means saying nothing?

You must be out of your tiny mind.

We have no confidence in Redmond. We never have had any confidence in him.

He has done fuck all in the last two years and deserves to be fucked off like the rest of them. He has proved our point.

And we particularly lack any confidence in the new Redmond regime, when Deputy Dawg is the Fireman Bradley who demonstrates his powerlessness with each passing second that the Harbarrowboy survives.

The Redmond regime will make the right noises (with the right accent - carefully preserved by a strict diet of honey and roses, eds).

But he will not bring the enduring change for the better that Liverpool needs.

Nor will he seriously consult the staff at the Culture Company who have been working hard to leave a tangible legacy, despite the handicap of the Harbarrowboy's mis-management.

Oh no, instead he will dream up a few typically tabloid schemes to buy off the limp Echo - and then suddenly proclaim 2008 a great success.

Some will be fooled by the fireworks. But we won't. We have had years of Lib Dem spin that everything in the garden is rosy. We know what's what.

Take a trip to Speke, matey. Or Croccy. Or anywhere in north Liverpool.

See if you can spot a rosy garden there.

And who ever gave Redmond the authority to lead the people's Capital of Culture, anyway?

The people certainly did not.

No-one consulted US.

No-one elected him.

No-one can fire him.

And who will hold him to account for 2008?

Deputy Dawg?

Give us a break.

Self-appointed, self-interested, self-selecting.

Self-serving.

Nothing ever changes.

PS While the knife was being wielded on the Culture Company, the Harbarrowboy is away in Spain putting the finishing touches to his retirement home. He will be gone with a huge pay-off inside the next month with some spin about his job being done.

LEE BREAKS HIS SILENCE, THE FIREMAN PLANS TO QUIT, THE HARBARROWBOY TAKES A SIESTA AND COVER UP KEEPS ON TAKING THE MONEY....

CONGRATULATIONS (as Sir Cliff once sang) to Liverpool Confidential for its exclusive story on Lee Forde taking the city council to an industrial tribunal for constructive dismissal.

HERE IT IS if you have been asleep. (and very well done Angie)

Congratulations too to Mr Forde, for whom we have been rooting these last few disastrous weeks.

Good on you mate.

Colin Cover Up from the city council, the Harbarrowboy, and, we daresay, The Fireman, have all conspired to try and shove the blame for the Mathew Street debacle onto your innocent shoulders.

This is the kind of disgusting and disgraceful behaviour we have come to expect from these cowardly bastards.

We will repeat again:

‘if any one of the gang of three had an ounce of integrity in them, they would do the honourable thing and resign now’

We are told that you have enough evidence in your bottom drawer (a la McElhinney) to hang both the Harbarrowboy and The Fireman.

We hope you get the chance to use it.

Although frankly, why you would want your job back with such a fundamentally discredited and corrupt organisation must be beyond the understanding of all reasonable people.

We hope that this is merely a negotiating position and that you will be able to move on to a successful career elsewhere, after the satisfaction of giving this lot a good kicking. (Shades of Matt Finnegan wethinks, eds)

You might also get your legal representatives to examine the Echo's disgraceful 'gardening leave' story and bills which they also posted that day which read 'Culture Chief suspended' (we thought they were talking about Jase at first! eds) You may well find yourself trousering at least five figures from Trinity Mirror.

Whatever, what is abundantly clear - and has been to anyone pausing on the dock road for a second - is that the Mathew Street debacle is not going to go away, is it?

We resisted the temptation to comment on the way the city centre was left a virtual ghost town on Bank Holiday Monday. Has anyone asked how much has this spectacular own goal cost the city in lost revenue?

The Harbarrowboy did himself no favours by his ridiculous and arrogantly self-serving assertion that "it was as good as last year".

Does he really think the people of Liverpool are so stupid? (Obviously, eds)

We do not need to intrude any further into such a public pantomime.

The facts, at least those that have emerged so far, speak for themselves.

So Lee, we continue to be on your side - and at your disposal, should you wish to provide us with copies of any of the incriminating documents said to be in your secure possession.

Give us a call - no names no pack drill.

We should also congratulate you for the Liverpool Confidential story which makes it clear the contempt which you hold for the Culture Company.

Judging by the startling, but extremely welcome, chorus of boos from the crowd on Tuesday at the mention of the Culture Company, your view is shared by the people of Liverpool. (Tony started all this, eds)

So where does this leave us now?

• We await Cover Up's whitewash report.


• Labour's Joe Anderson will get the chance to stick the knife in again at Wednesday's special Council meeting. Ring side seats are available now to watch the Lib Dems try to keep the lid on the simmering rows and rivalries amongst them and justify the Fireman and Cover Up's woefully inadequate council investigation into 'why no-one was at all to blame for the Mathew Street thingymajig, which was really only a slight error of judgement, honest folks and lets forget all about it and move on to another great firework display next year'. It promises to be another great birthday show.


• The Culture Company is going to be wound up before the end of the year when we will all be treated to another great show along the lines of 'what an excellent job we have all done' (Tony was right about that, too, eds)


• The Fireman is today strongly rumoured throughout the city to have decided to quit at the end of September, presumably post another humiliating by-election defeat, but having administered the coup de grace to Bonehead's Blockheads.


• Then the succession battle will start (that's another Storey, eds)


• Redmond may well accept the Echo's poisoned Culture chalice and ride (or slouch) to the rescue and thereby lugubriously position himself for a subsequent shot at being Liverpool's first ever elected Mayor. (Not if Joe comes home in May, he won't, eds)


• The Harbarrowboy will go off for a well-deserved siesta, manana. Strong and persistent rumours have it that Jase and his family have applied some time ago for dual nationality and that the family have already de-camped to Spain to enjoy his burgeoning property portfolio. (Bloody hell, 2008 is obviously going to be so bad this fucker is leaving the country! eds)


• And Cover Up will award himself another Performance Related Pay rise.

CoC RESIGNATION No 2: CULTURE EVENTS BOSS QUITS...

The shock departure of Culture Company Events boss Lee Forde is a huge blow after the resignation yesterday of Joe Anderson.

Anderson's departure was a major political setback, destroying the cross-party consensus which had been created when the Culture nomination was won in 2004.

At a stroke it has given the green light to a ferocious political battle over 2008, for at least the next 18 months.

Forde's departure is a huge body blow to the nuts and bolts of the organisation - he was one of the few competent senior managers still working in the Millennium House Fun Palace.

More than that, Forde was of the city. He knows Liverpool, understands Liverpool and has been active and professional in trying to improve the city's cultural offer.

He was central to all the plans for events in the city over the next 18 months - Mathew Street, Tall Ships, the opening and closing ceremonies and all the other public events that the city usually stages.

However, never one to hide his feelings (a true Scouser then, ed) he has made no secret of his increasing cynicism about the way the Culture Company was being run.

He has rolled his eyes as the well-paid likes of the Harbarrowboy, the bullshitter Donaldson and the invisible man communications boss (we have actually forgotten his name! Paul something isn't it? ed) have made Liverpool a laughing stock.

Forde had made no secret of his contempt for their amateurish machinations, their constant changes of mind, their bright ideas that are world-class one day and jettisoned as easily the next, and their awe-inspiring ability to spend tens of thousands on the third rate.

But most of his colleagues have been completely taken aback by his walk-out. He had just had enough of all the 'fannying about' as he memorably described it.

Certainly Forde's Number 2, Eddy Grant will have no hesitation in now telling the Harbarrowboy exactly where to go if he is expected to do Ford's job as well.

Which means the Harbarrowboy will either give the job to someone who is patently not up to it from within the organisation, or he will throw a huge wad of money at an outside consultant to try and dig them out of the deep do-do.

But given the particular circumstances - six months away from the start of 2008 and right in the middle of the historic 800th birthday celebrations (we joke, ed) few sensible operators will want to volunteer for the job.

It is a poisoned chalice, even for someone like Andy Redhead, a professional operator who staged the Robbie Williams world tour and has worked for the city before.

Unless - someone else, someone completely different, can save the day.

Step forward Chas Cole.....

PS We will be returning soon to the subject of the Culture Company's spiralling salary costs and the astonishing invoices for chauffeurs and posh dinners, which Joe Anderson exposed.

JOE ANDERSON QUITS CULTURE - A MAN OF PRINCIPLE AND INTEGRITY

LABOUR leader Joe Anderson has resigned from Capital of Culture in disgust at its failures.

We agree with everything that Councillor Anderson says - which is why we are reproducing his entire statement from today's Daily Post...



CITY Labour chief Joe Anderson today walked away from his Capital of Culture role and accused the festival board of failing to deliver on its promises.
In a hard-hitting attack he said the Culture Board and the Culture Company were:
FAILING to engage communities and “real” people.
FAILING to provide a 2008 events programme that excited people.
FAILING to provide a worthwhile legacy for the city and missing the chance to kick-start creative industries.
He lashed the city council for “mismanaging” the 08 funding equation and leaving Liverpool £20m short.
Cllr Anderson vowed to fight on from his position as Opposition Group leader in an effort to ensure the city delivered the best-possible Capital of Culture.
He said: “Wherever I go I have community groups say that they don’t feel part of Capital of Culture.
“People are constantly complaining about over emphasis on city- centre investment and when you visit parts of Speke and see the dereliction there it really hits home.
“I’ve been going round mounting a robust defence of Capital of Culture but my heart hasn’t been in it.”
Cllr Anderson claimed 08 had moved away dramatically from the promises within the bid document that persuaded the Department of Culture, Media and Sport to award Liverpool the Culture accolade in 2003.
He said: “I met the judges – Jeremy Isaacs, Tessa Sanderson – and told them all about the communities and our bid’s aspirations for them.
“But these aspirations simply haven’t been met.”
And Cllr Anderson – born in the city centre just yards from the Paradise Street development – also refused to acknowledge that the so-called “2008 effect” had played a massive part in the city’s fast-paced economic renaissance.
He said: “It’s a myth. The renaissance is real but it was begun by European Objective One funding and maintained by government grants.
“Don’t forget that when the bid document was launched the Grosvenor shopping development was already in the bag as was development of the King’s Dock. Renaissance was kicking in anyway.”
Cllr Anderson also claimed arts organisations and creative companies have been betrayed by the way 08 has been developed and have suffered from lack of involvement and no worthwhile legacy.
He pointed to Liverpool’s literary legends Alan Bleasdale and Willy Russell as people who should have been consulted and utilised, perhaps in the creation of theatre schools to develop young talent post-2008.
He said: “I ask myself what the legacy benefits will be and I can’t really answer that question. The Tall Ships coming back again? A bigger Mathew Street Festival?
“There is no cultural legacy – only lack of involvement and lack of vision.”
It was an open secret in political circles that Cllr Anderson was struggling to reconcile his role on a cross- party and public-private sector board with his position as the city’s premier voice of opposition to the ruling Lib Dem Group which controls culture activity.
He now believes he can work more effectively “unfettered” by collective responsibility.
He added: “I’m now free to make whatever comments I deem constructive – sometimes positive, sometimes critical.
“I’ve felt for months that talking to some members of the culture board is like banging your head on a brick wall.
“Everything is met by defensiveness or accusations of negativity.”
Cllr Anderson said he believed the culture board was guilty of building up unreasonable expectations about the festival from the word go.
He said: “This festival will not be the wealth-creating, job-creating panacea for all the city’s ailments that it was cracked up to be.
“There is still time to provide people with the opportunity to take part and also to give the cultural sector better opportunities to participate.
“And if there’s one good thing to emerge from all the money that’s been spent it’s that the city has got a re-branding. It might be money well spent. We now need to have confidence in what the city has to offer.”
Cllr Anderson said he would continue “with passion” to promote the city in a positive way.
“This isn’t about party politics. It’s about me as a person and a Liverpudlian. And about a city with a legacy of debt.”

Joe Anderson on .....

... ROBYN ARCHER

WHEN she was brought in everybody thought WHO?
But it was the Emperor’s New Clothes and no-one said much. Then we hardly saw her for 12 months – even though we were paying her. She then comes up with a programme and that’s when I came up with my remark that the only Aussie she hadn’t signed was Skippy the Bush Kangaroo. David Henshaw and Mike Storey brought her halfway across the world but she knew so little about Liverpool. She quits and we’re a laughing stock, giving her a huge pay-off while community groups are getting knocked back for £2,000.

... THE 2008 PROGRAMME

I’M not convinced there’s really anything outstanding in there.
There’s nothing that jumps out – no wow factor, no big theme. I’m terrified the 2008 opening ceremony is going to be all about B-list celebrities. And as for 2007 we’re already halfway through it and I don’t detect any great birthday excitement.

... 08 BOARD MEMBERS

PHIL Redmond and Roger Phillips were a breath of fresh air and I wish we had a few more like them. They are not controversial but they speak as they see it and as people in the street see it.
There should definitely be a broader mix of people on the board. In four-and-a-half years we haven’t achieved much.

... THE FUNDING DILEMMA

THE council has failed to prepare a war chest since COC was awarded in 2004. The Government has supplied more than the £10m requested by the city council in the Bid Document. Hoping that the Government would bail out the city if it let the problem fester until the last minute was a high-risk strategy.
The council should have been honest with the people and said “Look, this is what Cultural Year will cost and we will have to save for it between 2003 and 2008”.

... COMMUNITY ENGAGEMENT

VISITORS might like 2008 but I don’t think residents will.
Go to Dingle, Everton, Speke and you’ll find people who’ve come up with ideas but they are frustrated at getting neither financial nor physical support. It’s a failure that we haven’t encouraged them to participate.

BONE HEAD HANGS ON (but only for a bit longer)

REPORTS of Drummond Bone-Head's demise from the Culture Company were premature, it seems.

He is packing in the university half-way through 2008, but staying on the CoC Board for the duration (worse luck, ed).

Apologies for our inadvertent error.

What this means now is that, rather than man overboard, we are now being left with a lame duck leader in charge of Culture (oh, that's all right then - phew, what a relief! ed)

MAN OVERBOARD! DID HE JUMP, OR WAS HE PUSHED?

Drummond Bone-Head has finally resigned as Chair of the Capital of Culture Board.

Did he jump to go to a highly paid university sinecure somewhere more salubrious, or was he pushed over the side by fireman Bradley?

Whatever the answer - and there is much informed speculation about both possibilities - one thing is clear.

His departure brings to an end two wasted years, during which time his Culture Company Board have done a resounding bugger all to make 2008 a success for Liverpool.

Instead they have constantly re-arranged the deck-chairs on the Titanic (and thrown public money around like it was confetti), while watching helplessly from the rails as the ruinously expensive ship slides slowly beneath the icy waters (he's getting quite poetic these days, isn't he? ed)

The Maserati-driving Bone Head has been singularly unimpressive. His dull and listless performances have, at times, even made the Harbarrowboy look as though he has got half a brain.


Indeed he is only just trailing behind Jase in the 'sack him' demands from blog afficionados.

Bone-Head's main claim to fame has been cosying up to professional Scouser Cilla Black at some posh do for the great and the good in Westminster. This was in fact, why Bone Head agreed to be Henshaw's placeman on the Culture Company Board - so some of the anticipated (but still missing, ed) glitter would be liberally sprinkled over his benevolent shoulders and he would pick up a gong in gratitude from Gordon Brown's New Years Honours list for 2008.

Alas, for him both the glitteratti and the gong have failed to materialise (like much else that has been promised for 2008, ed)

So another departure from the Culture Company - first Robbing was given the push and then there was a night of the long knives for the other useless placemen and women who were serving themselves. It is bound to raise even more questions and doubts about the 'plans' for 2008. (But you won't read any of this in the Echo, ed)

Bone-head has been an utter disaster in charge of the do-nothing Culture Board and is jumping ship before he is forced to carry the can for 2008.

Which means, someone (Roger Phillips? Phil Redmond? Colin Cover Up? Cilla? ed) will now have to step forward to shoulder the increasing burden.

Talk about a poisoned chalice...

Betting for the new Chair of the Board: That bloke from the Phil 6-1, Mike Storey 9-1, Roger Phillips 25-1, Sexy Rexy 50-1, Stan Boardman 9-4 on, Tony Blair 5-4 (well he's got nothing better to do now, ed), Cilla evens, Jimmy Tarbuck 250-1, Sir Diddy 500-1 (and he was lucky to get the one, ed)

We couldn't agree more....

See Liverpool Confidential for the full story. Click here: Liverpool Confidential

THE HARBARROWBOY IS BEING SENT BACK TO SCHOOL...!

ISN'T IT A BIT LATE FOR THAT?
News reaches us that Jason Harbarrowboy, self-styled chief executive of the Liverpool Culture Company, is being sent back to school.
But not for him a typical Liverpool inner city comp.
Oh no, our ex-rugby league player 'Jase' is being sent across the pond, to the American ivy league university, Harvard where he will be taught how to brush up on his management skills (sic) .
'Jase' will spend at least six weeks in the summer trying to find out how to manage an organisation, how to enlist the support of the local community it serves, how to spend money wisely and how to ensure creativity is at the centre of all that it does.

The cost of this course has not yet been made known publicly (you do surprise me, ed)

But estimates start at £6,000.

However, in the course of our research and examining the Harvard Business School Personal Development programme, we find, for example, that the 'High Potentials Leadership Program' costs $10,500 for just a five day course.

So sending the Harbarrowboy, (£180,000-plus salary) across the Atlantic for 6 weeks is likely to cost a small fortune in course fees alone.

That doesn't take into account the cost of the Harbarrowboy's accomodation across the pond, or his sustenance during the six weeks in the Big Apple - hamburgers, cheeseburgers, Big Macs, pizzas, french fries, coke, coca-cola, etc, etc.

No doubt, the council taxpayers of Liverpool will be subsidising his trip.

Now, although we are obviously in favour of the Harbarrowboy's continuous development, we have a number of questions about this management course:

1) Isn't it a bit late to be doing this?

2) Shouldn't the Harbarrowboy be spending all his time in Liverpool ensuring that 2008 is not a complete disaster?

3) Haven't we spent enough public money already on global jaunts for the Culture Company? (and exactly how much council taxpayers money has gone on those, ed?)

4) Haven't we got better things to spend public money on?

5) Does this mean the city council's £50 million cash crisis is now over then?

6) Who authorised this Harvard expenditure - Drummond Bone-Head, Colin 'Cover Up' or Bradley?

7) Will we get our money back, when 'Jase' cocks up Culture next year?

8) Will he be taking anyone else with him?

9) Can he take anyone else with him?

Suggestions on a postcard....

ANOTHER CULTURE COCK-UP - POPS GOES, THE WEASEL!

Summer Pops axed....

Do we need to say anything at all about this utter shambles?But here's the picture gallery of the guilty men...

LIVERPOOL MAKES HISTORY WITH 800TH BIRTHDAY YEAR

WASN'T that an utterly spectacular and fantastic start to Liverpool's 800th birthday celebrations?
The way that the Culture Company engaged all of the people of Liverpool right from the beginning of the year was immensely impressive.
Community engagement, genuine partnership working and a real creative impetus combined to give the anniversary year of 2007 a magnificent start.
No one on Merseyside can have failed to be impressed by what was on offer to celebrate this historic year.
It literally had everything.
And we are sure that further afield, in the corridors of power in Whitehall and amongst Britain's great cultural institutions, there was a pleasing recognition that Liverpool had made a huge contribution to world culture right at the start of this very special year for the city.
Such an impressive launch to 2007 certainly bodes exceedingly well for the rest of the year.
And its definitely one in the eye for all those nasty and prejudiced Jeremiahs who, with those typical Scouse whinges, had moaned and groaned about the Culture Company's plans for this year.
It was great to see the city council and the Culture Company so actively involved in providing civic leadership, putting into action a new political vision for Liverpool and finally helping to bring hope to some of the city's most deprived communities.
And after all, dear readers, that's what we are all about, isn't it?
We had to wipe away a tear from our eyes as we gratefully realised that we have been fundamentally wrong all along and these two great, powerful institutions are determined to make a real difference and to make Liverpool a force to be reckoned with once again in this, our anniversary year, with a truly world-beating offer of culture and heritage.

And to make such a brilliant start even more memorable, the planning and foresight that was shown in forseeing every eventuality shows how far the city has really come since it was last forced to cancel the traditional New Year's Eve firework display.
We really have learnt some tremendous lessons since those dark days haven't we?
Well done to everyone involved in kicking off 2007, Liverpools 800th birthday year in such spectacular fashion.
We are sure you will all wish to echo these words of gratitude.
We take back every word of utterly unfounded critiscism that we have ever uttered against the Culture Company, in particular, and the city council, which now can take its rightful place as one of the country's great municipal marvels.
We cannot apologise enough to Colin 'Cover up',(Colin Hilton, ed) The Harbarrowboy Boy (Jason Harbrow, ed) and to all of those moderately rewarded Directors and senior executives who were involved in this special launch for a very special year.
They should all be truly proud of the magnificent contribution they have already made to making 2007, Liverpool's 800th birthday, a really unforgettable year.
(Have I missed something, somewhere? ed)
(BFIA - Blog Friends International Award, ed)

Liverpool's cultural plans for 2008 - "everything bar throwing up on a Saturday night"?

Below is an article by Michael Henderson from the Daily Torygraph about Liverpool's Capital of Culture programme. Although some of us struggled with the first part of the article, it is well worth persevering to the half-way mark (which we have helpfully marked) when it really gets into its stride about our beloved Culture Company's plans for 2008. We make no apology for belatedly reproducing the article in full, (even if it is from the Torygraph, ed) Dandy Pat

'It is lack of confidence, more than anything else, that kills a civilisation," wrote Kenneth Clark, who devoted much of his life to a famous study of the subject. "We can destroy ourselves by cynicism and disillusion, just as effectively as by bombs." Or, he might have said, by wilful neglect of what our civilisation has given us, which is a form of cynicism; the most deadly form of all.

Clark's observation came to mind this week as I sat in Amsterdam's Concertgebouw, and heard Bernard Haitink conduct the superb orchestra that takes its name from that hall in a pair of Mahler symphonies, to celebrate his 50-year association with them. It was a grand night, not least because Dutch television carried the concert live (well, almost: it was a delayed transmission) and generally made a fuss of Haitink. He is one of the great musicians of our age, and nobody doubted that his "golden anniversary" was a significant cultural event. There's confidence for you.

As everybody in the hall showered the conductor with love (without a trace of the sentimentality one sometimes sees on these occasions), the question arose: how would we have marked such an important anniversary in this country? It didn't take long to get an unequivocal answer. Next February sees the centenary of the birth of one of our greatest poets, Wystan Auden, and the BBC confessed this week that it had made no plans to honour him.

(KEEP GOING, ITS WORTH IT, ED)

Auden was not some jobbing scribbler. He was, and remains, a towering literary figure, in a way that this year's centenary boy, John Betjeman, despite his many virtues, never was. The world (and Auden, though English, belonged to the wider world: he lived in New York for three decades, spent his summers in Ischia, and was buried in Austria) understands that distinction, even if it is lost on the team of "creative directors" at White City who pick up whacking salaries for telling one another how "innovative" and "cutting edge" they all are.

If the BBC is dismayed to receive another pounding from this quarter, then hard cheese. Its negligence in this matter, as in so many others, shames a national broadcasting organisation that is supposedly committed to making programmes of high quality. What does Alan Yentob, the head honcho in the arts department and a chap who seems to have filled every post at the corporation except chief bottle-washer, actually do for his money? Perhaps he should fetch from the library a tape of Robert Robinson's tribute to Auden that went out in September 1983, on the 10th anniversary of the poet's death, to see the sort of thing that established the BBC's reputation as an educator as well as a provider of popular entertainment.

Turn on BBC2 at 7.30pm tonight, and you will see how far we have slipped, and how little confidence we have in our inheritance: that is, in a culture that owes nothing to the fashions of the day. The ill-conceived Culture Show, one of those noisy playgrounds for trendy metropolitans who like to mooch around in leather jackets and adopt bogus proletarian accents, will announce a shortlist of candidates ("voted by you, the public!") for the honour of being the "greatest living British cultural icon".

(NOT LONG TO GO NOW BEFORE IT GETS PERTINENT TO LIVERPOOL'S CULTURAL PLANS, ED)

Culture, as in the very best of human endeavour, has precious little to do with it. You will look in vain for Harold Pinter or V. S. Naipaul, Nobel laureates both, and there will be no trace of a painter such as Frank Auerbach, though Simon Rattle might be trotted out, as he usually is, to show that "we're not scared of high art". As for "icon", a word used as frequently, and erroneously, as "legend", there is no more foolproof indicator of vulgarity. Expect the list to include Kate Moss, David Beckham, a pop star or two, and a ropey comedian: in other words, the members of the usual freak show.

(HERE WE GO! ED)

Alas, it gets worse. This was also the week when Liverpool, the designated European City of Culture for 2008, unveiled some of the events that visitors can expect to enjoy. There will be street festivals throughout the year (aren't there street festivals every year?), an exhibition devoted to local pop history and a celebration of black music. There is also (no word of a lie) a footballers' wives "fashion show". Are they determined to make themselves a laughing-stock, these tribunes of the people, or do they really know no better?

Silly question. Culture, a spokesman admitted during preparations for the European bid, means anything "bar throwing up on a Saturday night".

Ah, that famous Scouse humour! How much poorer our lives would be without it. As if on cue, a chap from the Tate piped up that the Gustav Klimt exhibition at the heart of the year's roistering would be about "bling, because Liverpool is very bling, and Klimt is very bling", a statement so preposterous that it deserves a prize for buffoonery beyond the call of duty.

For the benefit of those who are unfamiliar with the term, and there must be a few, bling is the ostentatious display of jewellery by the kind of aggressive young men and women whom most sensible folk would cross the road to avoid. It is intended to denote spending power and status, and radiate that least appealing of modern traits, "attitude'", which may be translated as "behaving like a twerp". Yet, in the eyes of Liverpool's cultural ambassadors, the decorative painter of Viennese jugendstil offers a lifestyle accessory for the feckless crackheads of Merseyside, and we should all have a jolly good laff because isn't that what life is all about, our kid, having a laff?

How depressing it all is. Consider how much this country has given to European civilisation, and how greatly European civilisation has enriched the world, and then consider how so many people, in positions of trust and influence, trivialise it, apologise for it, and often hold it in contempt.

The Auden insult, the BBC's youth-obsessed iconography and Liverpool's all-too-predictable inability to organise a cultural event that has any real meaning flow from the same source, the lack of confidence that Lord Clark identified as a form of corruption. No wonder that some people, who come here from different cultures, observe how little use the modern British appear to have for the institutions and values that made this country great, and conclude that they are not obliged to play their part in civic life because there is not much that is worth celebrating, or even preserving.

If you undermine the people whose achievements have helped to shape our history (in the case of Auden, a writer who helped to add a glorious chapter to English literature, which is this country's greatest gift to the world), and if instead you exalt the here-and-now because it is easier to digest, and because — in that horrible modern phrase — it "ticks all the right boxes", then in effect you disinherit every generation that follows. And, as another great poet wrote, that path leads towards oblivion: "Our children will not know it is a different country. All we can hope to leave them now is money."

BROOKSIDE AND HOLLYOAKS - THE GREAT WHITE HOPE FOR 2008?

FORMER Brookside boss Phil Redmond has been hailed by the Echo as 'the great white hope' for 2008 after being given a seat on the board of the Culture Company.
Multi-millionaire Redmond has ambitions to be the Labour Party's candidate for Liverpool's elected Mayor post 2008.
And he is now being touted by the chattering classes as "the people's choice" for Capital of Culture and the man who, as the Echo rather lamely puts it, will 'bring real culture to real people".
The Echo breathlessly informs us that the man behind Brookside and Hollyoaks has 'already made approaches to cultural icons Bleasdale, Russell and McGough. (Why couldn't anyone else speak to them, then? ed)
We will only record that Redmond is a mate of Sir Diddy's, writes a crap and boring column in the Daily Post and has done very little to discernibly change the stereotype of Liverpool people as 'scallies and slappers'.
Read this excruciating and nebulous quote from the 'man of the people' and groan:
"I will be working to find innovative ways to enable anyone who wishes to take part in 2008, young, old or in-betweenies, to have that opportunity. To have a go at something. To try something different. Who knows what we will turn up. And what we will leave behind for the future. 2008 should simply be a starting point.''

We shall see what else he specifically comes up with for all those 'in-betweenies' amongst us.
Much better news is that Radio Merseyside's Roger Phillips is also on Board. (Although the small-minded Echo jealously failed to adequately convey his much more legitimate claims to be a 'voice of the people', ed).
In stark contrast to the Redmond rubbish, Phillips said: "I see my role as being a critical friend - and one who can convey the opinions of the Merseyside public on a wide range of issues. I'm very keen that Liverpool's communities are fully involved in the planning and staging of the celebrations and that involvement continues well beyond 2008.''
Phillips is a sound appointment who, unlike much of the Board, cares about the city and its people. Seems he agreed to take a seat at the table as an olive branch for refusing the poisoned chalice of Cultural Ambassador. Good for him. Let's hope he doesn't get neutered by them.
And as far as re-arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic is concerned, Liverpool subCulture got six out of the nine casualties correct.
OUT go Sir Diddy's mate Michael Brown (hurrah,ed); Neil Cossons (boss of Tate Britain and a serious blow to Liverpool's hopes of national cultural credibility, ed); David McDonnell, Brenda Smith, Andrew Worthington and Bob Scott, (all of whom we predicted, ed) plus the Community College's Wally Brown (why?) and Pat Loughrey (BBC). Bob Scott's sacking is not remarked by the Echo, sadly. In fact, the Echo have ignored all of those who have been given the push. (Strange news values, ed)
IN are Redmond and Phillips, with Merseytravel's Neil Scales as transport advisor (very imaginative, ed)
STAYING PUT are Loyd Grossman, Louise Ellman MP, Bryan Gray (NWDA), Tom Bloxham (Arts Co), Sue Woodward (Granada) Ruth Gould (Disability Arts) and amazingly, Roy Morris, from the Mersey Partnership. (The politicians will find another way to skin that cat, methinks, ed).
Drummond Bone-head (right) has held on to his chair too, regrettably.
So it remains to be seen what each of their unique and individual contributions will now be to making Liverpool 2008, the life-changing event it should be.
Perhaps our Board members might like to tell us all exactly what areas of cultural activity they will now each be concentrating on, (purely in the interests of transparency and accountability, dontchaknow? ed)
For example, they could each tell us three things they plan to do in the next three months which will make a real difference, couldn't they?
We shall make one other observation about this new line-up: It hardly reflects the city's diverse communities, does it?
We dont want tokenism. But we do think a more determined effort could and should have been made to engage genuine representatives of the city's cultural and artistic communities.
Instead we will still have a lot of middle-class men in suits, sitting around pontificating, not getting their hands dirty - but spending millions of pounds in public money.
So, hardly a radical departure for the Titanic.

WHO GOES FIRST? - NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES ON THE CULTURE COMPANY BOARD

NINE members of the Capital of Culture Board are to be sacked in a new shake-up.

The move is official confirmation that Henshaw's original placemen and women have failed.
At the moment the Culture Board is made up of 23 Directors, all hand-picked by Sir Diddy.
They have done bugger all to make Capital of Culture a success except sit around once a month at the Town Hall after tucking into a sumptuous lunch, then bore everyone rigid with their talking shop, try to outdo each other in proclaiming their cultural expertise (sic, ed) , pat themselves on the back, congratulate everyone and anyone who gave them a fancy presentation on all the fantastic things that are going to happen (shurely some mistake? ed) and hope that, as night follows day, they would be getting a mention in the 2008 New Year's Honours List of Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

In other words, this is exactly the 'do nothing' role that Henshaw prescribed for them.

But now after the departure of Robbing Archer and the complete failure of the Culture Company to deliver anything it has promised, someone has obviously had enough of these stuffed shirts competing for self-aggrandisement. (My money is on Warren Bradley threatening to withdraw council support, ed).
Now the Board are being whittled down to just 14.
The 14 will include three council representatives (Bradley, Storey and Anderson).
The rest of them will have to fight it out for their places in the next month, with final decisions made on November 29th.
But there is even worse - the Board will now meet every THREE months! Again, official confirmation that their presence is useless. (If this isn't an admission of abject failure, I don't know what is, ed)
And there will also be a small Operational Board, replacing the current Executive Group, which will meet approximately every six weeks (This will be where the real power is carved up - just wait to see who is on this, ed)
An Advisory Group (another do-nothing body, set up just for appearances sake, ed) is also:

"being established to create a wider stakeholder group of key representatives, funding partners and other organisations who are not members of the Board. This group will meet twice a year to allow the Board to draw on the extensive field of expertise available." (Utterly fanciful bollocks. Do they think we were born yesterday? ed)

Which of the nine will be sacked, resign or find 'new opportunities' elsewhere will only be decided at the end of November, but no doubt a few will jump first.

Here is our forecast: Those who we think will go, are in red.

Prof Drummond Bone (Chairman) - Vice Chancellor, University of Liverpool (Bone-Head should go, but won't, ed)

Cllr Warren Bradley (Vice Chair) - Leader, Liverpool City Council

Loyd Grossman OBE (Vice Chair) - Chair, Culture NorthWest / Chairman, National Museums Liverpool

Susan Woodward OBE (Vice Chair) - Managing Director, ITV-Granada

Jason Harborow (Chief Executive) - Liverpool Culture Company (Harbarrowboy will have to stay unfortunately, though it is through Bradley's gritted teeth, ed)

Tony Wilson (Company Secretary) - Senior Partner, Hill Dickinson, Liverpool

Cllr Joe Anderson - Leader of the Opposition, Liverpool City Council

Tom Bloxham MBE - Chair, Arts Council England North West

Cllr Mike Storey CBE - Liverpool City Council

Prof Michael Brown DL - Vice Chancellor, Liverpool John Moores University (mate of Sir Diddy's)

Wally Brown CBE - Principal, Liverpool Community College

Sir Neil Cossons OBE - Chairman, English Heritage (he thinks its a complete disaster)

Louise Ellman - MP for Riverside

Cllr Ronnie Round - Leader, Knowsley Council

Ruth Gould - Creative Director, North West Disability Arts Forum

Bryan Gray - Chairman, Northwest Regional Development Agency

Roger Lewis - Chairman, Royal Liverpool Philharmonic

Pat Loughrey - Director, BBC Nations & Regions

David McDonnell CBE DL - Chief Executive Worldwide, Grant Thornton International (who he?)

Roy Morris DL - Chairman, The Mersey Partnership (universally loathed by the politicians as a Henshaw acolyte)

Sir Bob Scott - International Director, Liverpool Culture Company (marginalised and irrelevant, but might be kept on because they feel sorry for him, ed)

Brenda Smith -Group UK Managing Director, Ascent Media

Andrew Worthington MBE - Chair, Sport England's Northwest Regional Sports Board

IF YOU THINK SOMEONE SPECIFIC SHOULD WALK THE PLANK, PLEASE SEND US HIS/HER NAME IN A COMMENT AND WE WILL KEEP A RUNNING TOTAL. WE WILL PASS ON THE MOST POPULAR CHOICE FOR THE ORDER OF THE BOOT TO COLIN 'COVER UP' HILTON.