Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Our Lord Redmond cancels closing ceremony so 2008 will end....

OUR Lord Redmond has cancelled plans for a closing ceremony for 2008 - because there is no money left in the kitty.

Redmond, a multi-millionaire who lives in Cheshire, pulled the plug at a meeting in the Millenium House Fun Palace this afternoon.

He had appointed himself as the producer of the show and was due to take all the credit for single-handedly designing a showpiece event.

Liverpool subCulture understands that these were some of Redmond's planned highlights:

  • The March of the Superlambananas - a parade of all the Japanese-made statues which were erected around the city.

  • Karaoke Kop - a massed choir in the Oldham Echo Arena singing their favourite Beatles songs.

  • 'I'm a Scouser, get me out of here!' - a new series broadcast on closed circuit TV all around the city where celebrity scousers try to out-do each other with their quaint Scouse mannerisms. This was Our Lord's own, totally original, idea.

  • Build your own bench, sponsored by Rapid. A mass creative cultural experience for local people to show how fully engaged they are in Liverpool 2008. In a new innovation, benches can be made from wastepaper made in Oldham. Redmond said: “I said at the beginning, it’s not simply a bench. It’s also a cultural resting place." (He did actually say this, eds)

  • Build Your Own Pub, sponsored by Cains.

  • A great after-show party for Phil and his mates, including Pete Price (welcome back Pete, eds), Clare Sweeney, Sinbad and various other extras from Brookside.

  • The Phil Factor - Our Lord judges the world class local talent who come on, trip up over some tatty 08 branding and then start singing old Frank Sinatra songs. Into the wrong microphone.

  • 'Standards are Slipping' - a look back at the city's rich political history, culminating in a pyrotechnic re-enactment of the Fireman's famous 'Walk of Death' to judgement day by the Standards Board for England.

  • Carry On Cover Up - a light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek romp through the farcical goings-on at Liverpool Town Hall.

  • Double Your Money - a live casino on the waterfront where council taxpayers give up all their money to incompetent council bureaucrats who then disappear to retirement homes in Formby, Spain and Wales.

Unfortunately we are now going to miss all these treats. Because all the money has been spent. Gone, Vanished. Disappeared. The cupboard is bare. There is no more dosh. It doesn't grow on trees yer know. We are brassic. Aint got a cent, lah. On our uppers, Phil mate.

Redmond had originally wanted £1million for the end of the year show when he began planning his great moment six months ago. Then the budget was halved to half a million - the amount being paid to Hasitall as a reward for his incompetence. Then the budget was going to be dependent on what could be raised in ticket sales for seats for the show at the Oldham Arena. Then at today's meeting, Redmond was finally told there were no more spondulicks.

What's more, since the long-suffering Culture Company staff are all out on their ears on December 31st, not many were going to be daft enough to rally around to make multi-millionaire Redmond look good.

No doubt he will now try to cobble something together with a few of his 'mates' to try and save his face. But it won't be anything like what he had planned - or the people of Liverpool had expected.

Perhaps the Oldham Echo can organise a 'Save the Show' campaign?


Anonymous said...

If it was gonna be anything like the disasterous opening ceremony; what a blessing its been pulled!

Inn Cider said...

He could not organise a bootle Wedding dozy bastard lost the plot years ago why do you think they got rid of Brookkie and Grange Hill he had to get out of MTV when he did otherwise it would not have been worth a penny he got over the odds for a company that has fuck all.
The dozy old bastard was better when he was a serious piss head he had balls then now he is just a sterio typical scouser trying to gegg in on everything and steal the lime light for other peoples work.
The sooner this year is over and he crawls back to Cheshire the better !

Correspondent said...

From Ringo on the roof to an embarrassed silence as a Culture Company minion turns off the light on his way out, this year of culture has been an unqualified success for the city. No doubt Lord Redmond will pen an emotional adieu to 2008 in the Oldham Echo come late December.

nil desperandum said...

'Phoney Prof' Lord Redmond was on less than sparkling form Friday night at a Maria Eagle 'do'. He droned on so long that people took up conversations with complete strangers. Those who still listened to his slovenly waffle assumed he was pissed. The trickle of applause at the end was out of relief that he'd finally stopped.

He handed over to another colossal waste of space, and we had to listen to yet more bollocks from Andy Burnham. God, they were both dire.

But not as awful as the toe-curlingly dreadful Culture Company video of 'highlights' that we were forced to watch. This looked like it had been knocked together by a pair of work experience trainees, splicing a 1980s MTV disco clip with photos of Ringo, Macca & that StupidLameBanana thing.

Then, once he found no more opportunities to show off, 'Professor' Lord Redmond legged it back to Cheshire. Total prat!

cheapo events ltd said...

How about Mr Redmond standing on the flyover at the Rocket on December 31st. Spectators on Edge lane could then see him spectacularly silhouetted in the sky against the glow of the tail lights of porsches stuffed with council taxpayers money and driven by those who delivered this years specatacular events as they piss off to join the next gravy train.

This spectacle could be accompanied by the Beatles song 'money' played on a borrowed ipod with speakers from the pound shop.

It would surely bring a tear to the eye of anybody remaining in the City.

radiorogerside said...

Well what a godsend this credit crunch and financial downturn in the world markets has been for the European Capital City of Culture. They can now blame everything that went wrong and all the financial cockups on Fanny May and Freddie Mac (City accounts dept), they let us down badly and it was they who wrote out all the pay off cheques...blah...blah..

How the council use Ripa to spy on you....

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