Monday, October 29, 2007

MONEY FOR NOTHING AND YOUR KICKS FOR FREE - I WANT MY MTV, SAY THE FIREMAN, DONALD BULLSHITTER AND COVER UP!!!

A UNIQUE trio will be making a special guest appearance at the MTV music awards in Munich later this week.

Fireman Bradley, Donald Bullshitter and Colin CoverUp will all be jetting off to Germany at council taxpayer's expense.

They will be getting on down with the kids and listening to the likes of ace rapper Snoop Dogg, who is hosting Europe's biggest music show, the MTV awards ceremony.



The Liverpool trio will be paying special attention no doubt as Snoop "will bring some unique ‘DoggyStyle’ as he guides us all through the night’s awards," according to the MTV web site.

Amongst the stars appearing at the Munich Olympiahalle will be the Foo Fighters and Mika (a Donald Bullshitter favourite, eds) with awards presented by Joss Stone, Wyclef Jean and Michael Stipe amongst others.

Bradley, Bullshitter and CoverUp will no doubt spare a thought amidst all the showbiz glamour and excitement for poor old Jase the Harbarrowboy, who has been left forlorn and forgotten at his Spanish hacienda.

Sad Jase was one of the main movers behind bringing the MTV show to Liverpool next year (he was going to do his George Formby act, eds)

What the precise role of the Fireman, Bullshitter and Coverup is in Munich, or how much it will cost the city's council taxpayers is anyone's guess.

But no doubt they will enjoy their brief spell away from the cares of the council's £22million budget crisis.

Any suggestion that they are to get star billing in Munich as Liverpool's very own 'trio of toss-pots' is without any substance.

Astonishly, however, one Liverpool figure will be noticeably missing from the all-star Liverpool line-up as they are being wined, dined and tucked up overnight in a five star hotel.

Step forward Gordon Ross, the Culture Company's very own Music Co-ordinator.

Mr Ross, who has spent an awful long time planning the MTV awards in Liverpool next year, was due to travel to Germany to see the show at first hand.

That would of course, have been a perfectly legitimate business trip, because as Music co-ordinator he would have helped ensure that Liverpool was the perfect host for the MTV music show in 2008.

(Editor's interjection: It would have been even better of course, if the Culture Company had this year also sponsored a musically-talented Liverpool teenager to experience the thrill of their lives in Munich as a reward for being one of our good young citizens. But, of course, none of the Culture Company crackpots had the whit to think of anything as creative, inventive or deserving as that.)


But instead Mr Ross was surprisingly informed that his services would no longer be required at the MTV awards and that Donald Bullshitter would be accompanying the Fireman and CoverUp instead.


Mr Ross, who has a mere PHd in music, will instead be left minding the shop at the Fun Palace - still, never mind, he will be able to watch the show on his telly.


You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried, could you?


Some further questions for readers to consider...

  • Does anyone who is alive out there think this disgraceful nonsense is now getting just a little bit beyond a joke?

  • What possible justification is there for chief bureaucrat CoverUp's attendance at a pop music show?

  • Why has the Bullshitter, infamous for his karaoke performances, shoved the only musically qualified member of the Culture Company's staff out of the way?

  • Does the Fireman hold the people of Liverpool in absolute and total contempt?

  • How much is all this costing council taxpayers?
  • Will any member of the Mersey meeja try to hold any of these bastards to public account?

  • And most astonishing of all, why hasn't the great grey hope Redmundo blagged a place on the junket for himself, where he could preen his huge ego?

  • Or is he washing his hair on Thursday?

Sunday, October 28, 2007

MATHEW STREET INQUIRY: THE COVER UP CONTINUES.....


THE 'secret' Mathew Street report has been given to two council employees - but denied to Labour councillors.

Meanwhile council leader Warren 'I'm only a fireman' Bradley is still busily making amendments to the report.

He wants to be 'completely happy' with the report before the city council finally leaks it to the media.

Current chief executive Colin CoverUp gave the authorisation for copies of the report to be shared with two Culture Company employees involved in the Mathew Street debacle.

The first was Chris 'do I look that' Green who was given a copy of the report a week before he mysteriously departed the Culture Company last Friday.

The second was Events officer Judith Feather who was brought in to try and save Mathew St after it was cancelled by the Harbarrowboy and Coverup.

Both were invited to make comments and observations about the contents of the report.

However CoverUp is still refusing to give a cop of the report to some councillors (the elected representatives of the people of Liverpool, eds) especially if they happen to be members of the Labour Party.

CoverUp has been ordered by Fireman Bradley to restrict circulation of the report, because he wants more time to make 'amendments' before it is leaked to the meeja.

The Fireman has now had the confidential report - which council taxpayers have funded - for more than two weeks to make his 'amendments' (well English never was his strong point, eds)

So, this is what has happened since Mathew St was cancelled, for the benefit of new readers:


  • A city council report is comissioned into what happened over Mathew Street

  • Colin Coverup, who is heavily implicated, refuses an independent inquiry

  • Labour leader Joe Anderson is promised a copy of the council report by Coverup

  • The Harbarrowboy goes AWOL back to his hacienda in Spain

  • Fireman Bradley, who is also directly implicated in the debacle, stops the report going to Anderson after reading its contents

  • Fireman Bradley begins making his own personal 'amendments' to the council report

  • Chris Green, the Harbarrowboys deputy who is also heavily implicated, announces his shock resignation

  • Green who has already quit and is serving his notice, is given a copy.

  • Coverup continues to refuse to provide the report to Labour councillors.

So that's alright then. Perfectly proper and above board.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

THE LIVERPOOL '08 TOP TWENTY

We have been reading in the Echo that Phil 'the great grey hope' Redmond has unveiled his secret weapon to make Liverpool No 1 in 2008.

Apparently, there is to be a new "Song For Liverpool" to mark our very special year.

(What a fantastically original and creative idea, absolutely guaranteed to engage and involve the people of Liverpool, eds)

And it's going to be a joint production by the Culture Company, (unholy)Trinity Mirror, Radio Murkeyside and City.

Doesn't that make your heart sink, pop pickers?

The song is destined, we fear, to be 'bubbling under' for a very long time (rather like our Salthouse Dock fish, ed)

Far better, in our view, to produce something which will be truly unique, distinctive and popular.

What about a once-in-a-lifetime Liverpool '08 compilation CD?

Featuring memorable cover versions of our favourite hits - but sung by some of the city's contemporary and most respected figures.

Mark Ronson could produce it - and blog readers could contribute the song titles and suggest the local personalities best equipped to perform!

It could be our very own version of the Liverpool X Factor!

So, to get the ball rolling and your creative juices flowing, might we make some suggestions about our very own top twenty?

THE LIVERPOOL '08 TOP TWENTY

1) We Don't Talk Anymore - Cllr Warren Bradley & Jason Harbarrowboy
2) It Should Have Been Me - Cllr Mike Storey(teller)
3) The Sound of Silence - Colin 'Cover Up' Hilton
4) Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - Phil Redmond
5) People Get Ready - Claire McColgan
6) Say it Ain't So, Joe - Paul 'Randy' Newman (in the chart with a bullet, eds)
7) Art for Art's Sake (Money for God's Sake) - Phil Halsall, the smiling assassin
8) Life in a Northern Town - The Residents (of L4, L5, L6, L8…etc etc, eds)
9) Y Viva Espana - Jason Harbarrowboy (solo performance, eds)
10) I Shoulda Known Better - Roger Phillips
11) She's Gone - Robbing Archer
12) Take The Money And Run - Sir David 'Diddy' Henshaw
13) Happy Talk - Alistair Machray (Echo Editor, eds)
14) Let's Dance - Flo 'quick, quick' Clucas
15) The Great Pretender - Kris Donaldson (Donald Bullshitter)
16) Hanging on the Telephone - Carolyn 'snitch' Hughes
17) Starman - Tony Parrish
18) I Wanna Be Elected - Liam Fogarty
19) Hound Dog - Dr David 'rottweiller' McElhinney
20) How Long Has This Been Going On? - The people of Liverpool


Bubbling under: Born To Run (Chris Green), Money's Too Tight to Mention (Sir Diddy), These Foolish Things (Matt Finnegan), Suspicious Minds (Lee Forde), I Fought The Law (Rex Makin), You Better Go Now (Joe Anderson)

It's something which everyone can join in!
Send your song suggestions to the blog, nominating your personality songster.
We will ensure that the Culture Company spends millions of pounds of council taxpayers' money on hiring record studios and top notch producers for the CD.
Thanks L&J!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Friday, October 19, 2007

THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THREE THOUSAND AND SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY-THREE POUNDS - THE BILL FOR MAKING LIVERPOOL'S IMAGE WORSE!


CITY COUNCIL taxpayers have forked out an absolutely gob-smacking £323,078.00 to a London PR agency for Capital of Culture.

The agency, FD-LLM, was hired in July 2005, and has pocketed about £12,000 every single month since.

The PR agency, originally called Lawson Lucas Mendelsohn, was founded in 1997 but was taken over in 2005 by a city giant.

The Liverpool Account Director, Ben Lucas is pictured right.

The Culture Company's "acting" chief executive, Kris Donaldson (aka Donald Bullshitter, left) reveals in an official statement that FD - LLM have done three things in the last two years.

(By the way, FD-LLM are now known in the city council as 'Fuck Donaldson - Lots of Liverpool Money', eds)

They have helped provide something called 'Senior level strategic engagement' between the Harbarrowboy and key politicians, such as Government ministers.

This means LLM have phoned up one or two mates in the Government and asked them to give Jase five minutes of their time.

(Perhaps Jase also tried to sell them a holiday home or some ice cream, while he was at it? eds)

Of course, if Jase had any relationship at all with Liverpool MP's, he would have been able to arrange such meetings for nowt.

Donald Bullshitter claims FD-LLM have raised Liverpool's profile as Capital of Culture - not very successfully, since the Government have repeatedley refused Bradley's pleas for even more money to plug the city council's £23million black hole.

So not money well spent, then.

The second thing FD-LLM have done is get 51 MP's and Peers together in all party group and provided typing and admin for them. (That's a seriously difficult task, eds)

The city council could have asked one of their secretaries to organise this, but decided to give £12 grand a month to FD-LLM so they could do it instead. (Fair enough, its only public money, eds)

The third thing FD-LLM have done is stage events and exhibitions at the party conferences. (Basically they have been organising glorified piss-ups, eds).

Donaldson says they have also 'advised on' and 'facilitated' visits to Liverpool by ministers. (They have booked train tickets, swamped Ministers with glossy brochures and made sure someone from the Culture Company turned up at Lime Street to say hello and carry their bags for them while they are in the city, eds)

FD-LLM have also assisted with a submission to the Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee on the Cultural Olympiad. (This has very little to do with Liverpool, but the Culture Company paid FD-LLM anyway, eds. What the hell - it's only public money!)

The net result of all FD-LLM's stupendously imaginative, dynamic and creative efforts (not, eds) has been, of course, that Liverpool now enjoys
a worse reputation in Westminster and worse media coverage, than they did before!

So, FD-LLM have been a total waste of £323,753.00.

What is significant about this public scandal is that it explains exactly how the Culture Company has wasted all its money - and more - and why the city council is now £23million in the red.

The Harbarrowboy and his successor, Donald Bullshitter, could not run a piss-up in a brewery.

They have had no control over the money and have been spending it like it was going out of fashion.

So when someone asks you "where has all the money gone?" - now you know.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

MATHEW STREET INQUIRY: COVER UP NUMBER 2

CURRENT city council chief executive, Colin 'Cover Up' Hilton is living up to his name again - this time with the fabled Mathew Street inquiry.

First a panic-stricken 'Cover Up' rigged the inquiry, refusing Labour's perfectly reasonable demands for an independent investigation so he could avoid the blame .

He made sure the 'investigation' stayed in-house so it could be safely handled by the widely discredited city council internal audit team and (play)'acting' city solicitor Ken Unworthy.

That was bad enough - giving no one any hope whatsoever that there would be any determined attempt to get to the bottom of what went on and who did what (or didn't, eds).

But then Cover Up went even further in a desperate attempt to save his own skin and that of 'currently off work sick with a heart condition, but never to return and with a gi-normous pay-off on the way to the hacienda in Spain', Jason Harbarrowboy.

'Cover Up' first promised the report would be ready by the end of September. He broke his promise.

Then he promised to present Labour leader Joe Anderson with a copy of the full report on Monday of this week. He broke his promise again.

'Cover Up' told Anderson on Monday that he had sent the report back to legal experts and that it would not be published before Wednesday's full council meeting.

Cover Up had already shared the contents of the initial report with the wounded badly Lib Dem fireman Bradley.

The pair didn't like what they saw - even the sanitised version - and conspired together to order a hasty re-write (quelle surprise, eds).

He has meanwhile now advised Councillor Anderson that, as Opposition Leader, he must submit a written request if he is ever to receive a copy of the eagerly awaited report.

Of course, wounded Lib Dem Bradley has had his own personal copy of the report (Version 1, eds) in his back pocket for days.

It will be interesting to see if we ever get the chance to compare Version 1 with Version 2, or 3 or 4.

Or however many other versions it takes to get Cover Up and Bradley safely off the hook and thereby absolved from any responsibility for the Mathew St debacle.

So 'Cover Up' is playing ducks and drakes with the Labour opposition and using the city council's arcane procedures and accustomed incompetence to try and hide his complicity in the Mathew Street cover up.

And to save his own skin.

As the city council's senior official, he has showed himself to be utterly contemptuous of the Opposition group and of wasting more than £40,000 in public money through this charade.

Worse, he has fatally compromised any last shred of integrity he was clinging to, by openly sacrificing all pretence at neutrality and impartiality.

We are promised that for chief executive Mr Colin Hilton, OBE, acclaimed architect of the The 08 Place whitewash and Summer Pops smokescreen, there will be a day of reckoning for his part in this latest testament to mendacious misrule - the Mathew Street cover up...

Monday, October 15, 2007

MATHEW STREET INQUIRY: 'THE CUSTARD COMPANY FARCICLAPS, JASPER HOTTLEBOTTLE, MR FORDLY CAPRI, WALLY BRADLOW AND COLLOP COVERMOST'.... BY STANLEY UNWIN

Prof. Yaffle Chucklebutty said...

By Jove Missus, Have I got you a scoop?

Here it is, found on the back seat of the only surviving Trolley bus in Liverpool and sent to me direct from the Municipal Building pigeon shelter lost and floundering dept.

The comments by the legal expert Sir Stanley Unwin QC prior to the publication of the Matthew Street enquiry.

At last, a clear explanation!

PROFESSOR STANLEY UNWIN WRITES:
Enquiry into Cancellation of The Meryl Streep Festivule.

As legalode visoree for Lilliput Silly Console, The Chief Excrutiate, Mr Colollop Hiltio and The Loader of the Silly Console, cllr Worried Badly, have asp me to examine the findings of the repole composted by the indefensible enquirymode into the lasp minute cancellation of the Mirthview Streep festavole. Pre- publo.
In advance of the floo repole being deleted for public constipation and due to the risk that it may, on publo release, cause further laughtermost in the national printopress, I have been asked to cast a boadley eyeball and summarise the phonal repole from a legal perpload.
Since the awarb of Callipole of Custard for throb trouser and eight, the Custard Company farciclaps has caused tabload news coverage to now return to the old stereoscousey of all calmy-down,calmy-down, gis a jobello and all knocky off with the holdey out the cappy hand.
The repole documes a tatley missmanagemode around crapalot of custard 2008.
It is of great conserve that the general picture of daily debaclo has manifolding in the city and that beclose of this, the image of Loolapole may have been set back a decode. Deep, deep folly. The Matthew Strobe festeral began life as a celebro of the fib four moppy tops. John Lemmole, Pole Mc Slidey, (favourmost by Bradlow) George Witherspoon and Rumpo Stark.
Inertialy known as “The Butties Festeral”.
It used to provide much cheery on the city streebs every year with no treebhole, oh no, apart from the odd sickload in the handlebag of a fold age pensioner at the bus stop.
Usually by an inebrioled man all dressy up the walrus. Deep joy many years!
In fact the Matthew Strobe festeral as it became later known, was so purpello that people flockermost from all round the world, include far flung examploads such as, Japone, United Stairs of Jamiraqui, Jockland, Germinate and Frince to name but throde.
Come the award of Cap-in-hand Culture 2008 much rushy board the gravy boat for the ferry cross the Mersey ( a sling made flabemost by Jolly Marsdone)
All shout with cocknole accsperent, “Gis a job.” But not the job to give the scouseyload, oh no! All the big cashy jobs given to people who never once set a footy print in Lollopool.
Not even paddle by the beachpoo at New Brightlight.
Even the persil spellification stateyclear that being a muddle clapp southerner was an essential crimeria fool getting the job.
Liverpole culture was overnight transfumed to the jellied eels perspective with pearly cones all along the roads as the big diggerup of all the frogs and toads caused a great deal unendo congestomole and total kiosks.
It was the big drig after hole that many peoplo held resprollable for the near closey sale of Lowersole’s and a lisp of promits for Raphole Hardwood.
Jasper Hottlebottle, Expletive Director of the Culture Clammity, so the report states, said with all trumpety fanfare and spittle canope as he speakload.
The Matthew Streep Farcical would better be handed over to the offal sirs of the Incompetent Company. We’ll ruin it from now on”
So they handy the festival over with all hastily speed to the cashbuckets of the clammity companole, blissfullow unaware that all poury down the drain and pissly up the wole.
After much swiggy chardonnale and trampermole round and round the daily banquoles for extinguished gusts, severmole floke suddenly rollexed that the only plans drown up to actually organise the event were all scribbly down on a misplomed fag packet.
Deep folly and much wailey cry eye when they rollexed the faggy packet had been accidentally crumple up and throwed down a big hole in the road somewol near Whitechapphole.
Thip explones why Rex Makeloads, the cities flamour solitersole, is constantly writhing in his workly column about fallolloping down a big hole outside his offices. The repole states.
As the clockety tock by, Mr Fordly Capri with wringy hands and a sweatload on the highbrow make constantly phone and sendy the electromic mails to Collolop Covermost and Jasno Hollowbottle, but all say as wimb that they never set an eyeball and heard not a liverbird.
Many suspode that they jisp ignolled him.
Consequally all holes break loose when Wally Bradlow, the Loader, sitting all comfy with a bare leg and flip follopers enjoying a short holiday, nearly fallolloped out of the decky chair when he read the Echlo splashy news headlice. “Meryl Streep Festivole Candelled! Fiascole!”
All red face and quite the twisty mouth with a shakey fist Bradlow was all shoully down the Drummond Phone.
“Bring me the head of Alfredo Garrowbarrow” he screechy with a high pitch girly scroam. “I demean an explanation immediately..first thing in the moaning…or next week the earlymost!” he cried to Colllolop Highnoon.
The worms fearst was confirmymost.
With no Hole and Softy plan in place and vasp crowds to risk fallollop into the diggerholes or snag of cardy on the fencil posts, The companole of consolants, Cashitter recommend cancellation on the basin that all the visitors and tworisps to the festervole could tripple up all arm over tithebarn, and fall down the hollies. It was da scissorsisters waiting to happen.
Oh Frock! They all criedly-eyed. Who can we blame this on?
So the Festibule was cally off at the last minuet a total Boccherrini.
Liverspole makes national news and even Jeremole Paxo smirky face with a perm and tashy lip talk pretended to interview Terry and Barry and said “ On Newsnole Tonole Calm-down, calm-down….as Livepule’s Internaspernole musole fistula is called alf” and newspapers around the world translate “Cultureload My Arse!” in every linguode.
The whole country unites as all but one and laughy out loud til dampy in the eyeline and trickle spot the trouserleg too.
But most steamy gusset and dampole the leg were in Birminghole and Newcapple, They laughed til they cried!
But then they cried again without the laughyeyes for themselves and what they could have done with the awarb.
What a watered opporternity.
Woollen Bradlow cancelled all the reception dinners for that day and gather the custard complainy at The Little Big Horn pub.(Custards Last Spam)
Bradlow was spitter with roage to suggest Jasno Holloborrow must be related to Catherine the Great as equally infamoule for habling one big cock-up after another.
There were gusps and chockles in epral propulsion but Mrs Bradlow was very creebs with Woolen and later make him wash all the mouth out with sarp and womer after she plume him home by the earlobe. Deep folly!
On Argos Bank Hapliday weekend, as confused tourists gatheried up all puzzle faced at what they thrim was some kind of Yoke, oh no, they stared in thris beloaf and goggle ode at a lone hairy tramp vest, who strummed a play on a cardboard guitar in queens squall. (Tribload act, bless him)
So this enqueeryprobe proverbs a pubload report in the hope that any ratsqueeks to jump or ship themselves overbole so they can carol the can, will leave not only the assembled remoaning thick skins of the custard company, but the loader and anyone else whose trouser pounds matter, totally exfoliated.

Appendix 1 Lessoles lermed
  • Report conclumes by hailing the savoury of the Culture Crapalo with the frappointment of Anthea Redmond, not only the creeper of TVs Grungehole, Brookesode and Hairy Blokes, but one time give us a twirl wife of the Bruise Foreskin. “Knives to see him to see him knives” (Recommole biographicole details are cheemed prior to publo. ed)

  • Finaloe the repole stains that we should now clone this unfornicate chapto and points out the exciting programme of attractions for 2008…er Ringo…

  • Vote Ludicrous Dimmertwat in May!
  • stanley.unwin@crapalotofcustard2008.guff

Thursday, October 11, 2007

CAPITAL OF CHAOS/MATHEW STREET DEBACLE: AND ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!!!!!

THE crisis-hit Culture Company has been rocked today by a new departure - the resignation on the dotted line of Operations Director Chris 'do I look that?' Green.

Speculation is mounting that 'do I look that?' Green reluctantly decided to take the rap after Colin 'Cover Up' marked his card over the about-to-be-published Mathew Street inquiry.

Insiders believe 'do I look that?' opted to fall on his sword, rather than be publicly knifed for incompetence in the report, which has been closely supervised by 'Cover Up' and the Harbarrowboy.

He decided to walk the plank just days after the announcement that the North West Development Agency had suddenly seconded Bernice Law to be in charge of 'operational delivery' at the Culture Company.

This was a huge vote of 'no confidence' and the proverbial kick in the face with a Size 12 steel toe-capped Doctor Marten, for 'do I look that' Green, who had been (theoretically) in charge of operations.

Of course the decision to go of 'do I look that?' , makes Event chief' Lee Forde's claim against the city council for constructive dismissal, even stronger than before (oh good! eds)

Forde regularly reported his fears about Mathew Street directly to his line manager - one Chris 'do I look that?' Green.

It's unlikely that 'do I look that?' failed to pass these on to the Harbarrowboy, who would have then passed them on to 'Cover Up'.

But both senior managers (on half a million quid between them, eds) have been adept enough to avoid having to make the ultimate sacrifice themselves.

And they now appear to have found an ideal substitute for the axe. (See also Has Jase done a runner already? )
'Do I look that?' was, predictably, one of the last appointments of the evil dictator, Sir Diddy David Henshaw, who shoved him into the Culture Co in the dying days of his crumbling regime. (AHA!, eds)

'Do I Look that' was also given the job in charge of Corporate Sponsorship on the glowing recommendation of the Harbarrowboy, with whom he had worked previously. (There's nothing quite like the old pals act for arranging well-paid jobs at public expense, is there? eds)

As power went to the impressionable head of Jase and he got ideas above his station - and well above his mediocre abilities - he ensured the pliable and grateful ''do I look that" Green was always trailing firmly behind on his coat-tails.

After being promoted and put in charge of Operations by Jase, it was clear to everyone that "Do I look that?" Green was well out of his depth as the pressure mounted and the Culture Company was rocked by a series of cock-ups.

"He looked like a frightened rabbit caught in the headlights", said one Culture Co insider. "He was Jase's 'yes' man. He would always do whatever Jason wanted."

It looks now as though he has made the ultimate sacrifice for the Harbarrowboy - but with a hefty pay-off.

PS It is now clear that Liverpool's Capital of Culture year is being run from Warrington and the headquarters of the North West Development Agency.
Their Chairman, Bryan Gray has been quietly installed as Chair of the Culture Company Board with his hands tightly on the money.
He has brought in Ms Law to watch his back and make sure 2008 doesn't end in complete disaster.
Never one to seek the limelight, Gray has willingly given responsibility for all public statements and spin to Phil 'I'm the city's saviour' Redmond.
Fireman Bradley is an increasing irrelevance.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

VICTORY FOR FREE SPEECH, DEFEAT FOR RANDY NEWMAN!

We are pleased to officially announce that Mr Joseph Riley, erstwhile scribe and cultural provocateur of the unholyTrinity Mirror publication, the Liverpool Echo, has this morning been fully re-instated to his dubious but accustomed position with that (un)esteemed organ. (oooerrmissus, eds).
We trust that Mr Riley will now return to being the extremely irritating, irascible and opinionated correspondent, who often talks completely out of his arse, that we have all come to know and love.
And that he will do so without a stain on his reputation, without a blemish on his record, without a spot on his...(that's enough of that, thank you very much, eds)
Further to this, we hope that Mr Riley's chief - and usually invisible - accuser, Mr Randy (sic) Newman, will come to bitterly regret his ill-considered, ill-judged and intemperate intervention, which was a disgace both to journalism and to Liverpool.

See Liverpool Confidential for more on this: Randy Newman 'categorically' denies trying to get Joe the sack

EMAIL FROM CAROLYN HUGHES, PR

Hi,

Just a quick note to let you know that there are various new postings on my Daily Post blog http://www.byinvitationonly.merseyblogs.co.uk/ . Latest postings include:

***Radio City’s Give a Child a Chance Day – Raising over £56,000 for local charities

*** Vote for Creamfields – Creamfields shortlisted for national award

***Hugo Boss Autumn Winter Party

*** How to snitch on Joe Riley to his boss

*** Property Aid Ball at Formby Hall… Colleen and friends shine at party!

Also to come this week

*** Boodles launch new Volicity range of jewellery with Philip Armstrong Couture

Don’t forget to let me know of any parties/launches/functions or events or of any more public scraps at local theatres, which have got ****all to do with me, which you think may be suitable for either the blog or social diary pages ‘By Invitation Only’ which appears in the Daily Post’s Style City supplement each Thursday.

Carolyn Hughes PR
Tower Group
1st Floor
Martin’s Building
Water Street
Liverpool
L2 3SX
Telephone: 0151 255 0505
Mobile: 07710 715333
carolyn@carolynhughespr.com
berni@carolynhughespr.com

Saturday, October 06, 2007

RILEY FACES SACK....THANKS TO PAUL NEWMAN

THE Liverpool Echo’s longest-serving journalist Joe Riley faces the sack thanks to the £114million Culture Company.
Its £90,000-a-year (with performance-related pay, eds) Director of Communications, Paul Newman, aka The Invisible Man, made an official complaint about Riley to Echo Editor Alistair McRae.
Newman, who lives in Hertfordshire and commutes to Liverpool during the week, branded Riley “a disgrace to journalism and a disgrace to Liverpool”.
(We shall return to this amazing accusation from this invisible man whose name we keep forgetting, eds).
So what caused the astonishing outburst from 'snitch' Newman which has led to Riley’s suspension and has journalists agog at (the unholy) Trinity Mirror?
Quite simply, Joe Riley fell asleep during the premiere of Jimmy McGovern’s extremely disappointing play, King Cotton at the Liverpool Empire.
While other bored members of the audience were walking out of the Empire half-way through to do something infinitely more interesting like catch a bus, or count the pigeons, Joe had forty winks.
He had been on duty, apparently, since 7am that morning when he had also been at the launch of some obscure Culture Company event.
However, Mr McGovern, (who we had previously admired, eds) was sitting a few seats away from the Echo scribe and took umbrage at him dozing off.
Precise accounts vary but there then followed an unseemly and noisy confrontation at half-time in the bar at the Empire with McGovern tearing into Riley with a four-letter tirade.
For some obscure reason, which has still not been satisfactorily explained to us, self-styled PR photographer Carolyn Hughes phoned the Echo editor from the foyer of the Empire. (Jesus, what the **** did it have to do with her? Are these people all in the pay of the Liverpool Stasi? eds)
Anyroadup, unsuspecting Mr Riley wanders into the Echo the next day and all hell is let loose.
We should point out at this stage, that we would have no sympathy for Mr Riley if he had gone on to pen a review of King Cotton after snatching forty winks during the first half.
But he didn’t.
Like the old trouper he is, Riley admitted he had fallen asleep and suggested that fellow Echo scribe Katherine Jones, who was also at the premiere, should do the review instead.
Fair enough, you might think.
But oh no…
McGovern appeared on the Roger Phillips programme later that morning and was allowed to whitter on about Riley like a true luvvie for the best part of 20 minutes.
(Gosh, this is better than Corrie, isn’t it? eds)
Riley’s only offence, of course, had been to find McGovern’s play so interminably dull that he had dropped off. (A view which we also share, eds)
Meanwhile the snitch Newman, self-appointed guardian of journalistic ethics and moral arbiter for Liverpool, had fired off his ‘Riley’s a disgrace’ missive to McRae in a clear effort to get him sacked after 38 years unblemished service to the Echo (surely cause for a proper disciplinary investigation? eds)
Riley was duly suspended and appeared last week at a disciplinary hearing, the outcome of which we await with bated breath.
However…
(This is the good bit now, eds)
We have some things to say about Mr Newman, (right) whose career in Liverpool has been distinguished by consistent incompetence, failure and invisibility.
(Oh goodie, eds)
The first is this: be very careful about making complaints about the personal behaviour of other people in a work-related situation. People in glass houses...
We are reasonably sure that your wife and family would not be at all happy if a complaint was made about your own personal behaviour in a work-related situation. Know what we mean?
(ermmm, we think so, eds)
Secondly, if you paid more attention to doing your job which the people of Liverpool are paying for through the nose, then you wouldn’t have time to fire off self-righteous, poisonous little missives to editors.
Thirdly, we are sure it has not been lost on our readers, that Mr Riley, for all his faults, has been one of the few local journalists to give your bosses at the £114million Culture Company and the city council, a difficult time.
You saw your chance to try and do Riley in and thus remove a thorn in your side, didn’t you rat-face?
Well, we hope you are thwarted and that Mr Riley returns from a hopefully relaxing suspension to his desk, unbowed and undeterred.
And we hope Newman’s disgraceful role in this nasty little episode is not quickly forgotten by journalists on Merseyside and elsewhere.
(another cracker, we love it when he gets all angry, eds)

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