Tuesday, September 18, 2007

REDMOND: THE RAKE'S PROGRESS, OR HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE (NOT). EPISODE ONE - "I WANT 'SCOUSE' CULTURE"


SELF-styled 'man of the people' Phil Redmond is already making a tremendous impact on Capital of Culture.


The multi-millionaire's exhortation to every headbanger in the city to ring the Culture Company with their madcap schemes has already got staff in open revolt.

The procession of nerds, nonentities and ne'er do wells out to try and make a fast buck out of public money, has resembled a lengthy queue of X Factor rejects.

Long-suffering Culture staff, already victims of the Harbarrowboy's regime of chaos, have taken to posing as passers-by to avoid the procession of Culture Company callers who have obviously just escaped from the nearest loony bin.

Staff have also begun to find all sorts of meetings and other wondrous excuses to be out of the office when the phones start ringing off their hooks with nutters at 9am every morning.

Porters have now been positioned to repel any suspicious boarders from the decks of the Titanic.

So, when it might have been wiser to try and win the loyalty of Culture staff, Redmond appears to have quickly alienated them.

And that's not all.

Should any of these idiotic ideas be pursued beyond the back of a fag packet, the creators will quickly find that there is no money left in the cupboard to pay for them.

Unless our multi-millionaire Cultural saviour wants to dip into the £30million he trousered from the sale of Mersey TV to pay for something himself?

If not, the disappointed might end up a bit disgruntled with Redmond too.

And that's not all.

Redmond appears to have alienated Colin 'Cover Up' too by blabbing to the meeja about 'his' plans for 2008, without first agreeing the line with the city council.

Hilton wandered un-noticed into Culture the other day and after about an hour, when he finally managed to attract the attention of a handful of staff, was forced to apologise for Redmond's shock and unaccountable outburst.

In fact, the first that the Culture Company's £75,000-a-year Communications chief, The Invisible Man, Paul 'We'veforgottenhisnameagain', New about it all, was when someone mentioned in passing that TV cameras were filming the unelected Redmond outside the Town Hall.

Hilton promised those staff who were still listening to his mumbling that he would be having a strong word with our new Cultural guru and would be marking his card in future. (Gee, Redmond must have shat himself at that, eds)

And that's not all. (Thought not, eds)

Our hero also appears to have alienated the Labour Party, of which, unaccountably, he is still a member. (Is he trying to buy himself a peerage then soon? eds)
Redmond had the brass neck to appeal to the Labour Party to cease its entirely legitimate questioning and critiscism of the activities of the Harbarrowboys inside The Fun Palace at Millennium House.

He wanted them to stop. To cease. Forthwith.

And thus leave the way entirely clear for him to bravely step into the breach and parade himself as the saviour of our city.

Joe Anderson's response to this remarkable request was suitably short, eloquent and to the point.

And that's not all.

The Lib Dems are similarly up in arms at Redmond's suspicious arrival on the scene of the Culture car crash, thus diverting any chance of favourable publicity next year away from their current leader, Bradley the Fireman (tell me the same old Storey, eds)

And that's not all. (oh get on with it, will ya? eds)

Those in the city who can best be described as 'the chattering classes', 'the great and the good' or ' the usual suspects' are also getting hot under the collar about Redmond.

They are already asking questions about Redmond's connection with Liam Fogarty's campaign for an elected mayor.

Word in the boardrooms is that Redmond has been secretly bankrolling the Mayoral campaign, although we have seen no evidence of this. Yet.

So, after stepping reluctantly into the limelight to introduce Macca at Anfield, Redmond will then presumably wait for a delighted and grateful populace to carry him shoulder high to the Town Hall.

In fact, at the moment, the only people who appear to approve of Redmond is our local meeja.

The Echo in particular has been wedged so far up his arse that it has almost disappeared from view (no such luck, eds)

One journalist has been heard to speculate that the Echo's abandonment of any pretence at neutrality, impartiality or investigation may lead to an official complaint by the NUJ to the Press Complaints Commission.

The Echo's tame and uncritical subservience to the drawling Deputy Dawg, who appears to think he has just wondered on to the set of a third-rate soap opera, is apparently justified as being "in the city's best interests".

Which, interestingly, is also how they justified their silence over the criminal activities of Henshaw and the evil cabal.

In 2002 Phil and Alexis Redmond sold part of their Mersey TV stake for £30m to private equity group LDC in a management buyout. In 2005 LDC and the Redmonds sold out to London-based rival All3Media in a deal reported to total between £35m and £45m.

10 comments:

Frank Carson said...

It's a cracker

Anonymous said...

Joe Reilly has been at it again - up Redmond's arse for two whole pages in the Echo. Not a word of critiscism about Redmond's part in the great Culture rip-off. These people at the Echo were the same ones who hailed the arrival of Harbarrowboy and Donald Bullshitter and have repeatedly failed to hold them to account in any meaningful way. Nothing changes

Anonymous said...

Lawd heeeelp ooos !!

Liam Fogarty said...

I enjoy a bit of frothy speculation as much as the next person. But I want to put it on the record that Professor Redmond has not been "bankrolling" the Mayor For Liverpool campaign(we wish...) though he has made public statements suggesting that an Elected Mayor is "an idea worth looking at." If the professor - or indeed public-spirited "Parrishioners" - want to support our campaign you know where to find me. Check out www.amayorforliverpool.org

Prof. Yaffle Chuckusmoney said...

By jove! I have never been so discomknockerated! How dare you!
I'll have you know that the loony bin apart from being politically incorrect...we prefer the term House of the Befuddled...is a vast source of untapped talent and with an untapped vat of sauce in the corner. Yes missus, we have been trying to batter down the door of the Chuckle Company every morning to get funding for our grand parade. I still think that 3000 Diddymen with raspberries on sticks marching through the town playing the theme to Z cars on Kazoo for august bank holiday 2008 will be a truly international cultural event, especially now with the new migrant Diddymen from all corners of the world lined up to take part.

Serge Pants from the Ukraine, Hungarian Rhapsodiddy and Vlad the Inhaler from Romania will join Doc the Marmaliser, ,Dickie Mint and Wee Hamish in a spectacular pageant. Our plan includes draining the Mersey and filling it with blancmange so at the parade finale we can all jump in and have a good old punch up just like that tomato festival in wales where they get a bull to roll a cheese down the hill. Now if that's not worth 200k then i'll know it's all false promises.

By the way don't worry missus, we have written to the fish and they told us they were already stunned when they heard about Redmond.

By jove, speaking of fish, what a kipper that Redmond has! A cross between an ancient dried up mermaid and a crone from Macbeth.
Get yer hair cut and some colour in your cheeks, your frightening the donkeys! Still he did give us Jmmy Corkscrew the lovable criminal so loved and missed by Dean Sullivan (our very own Laurence of Olivier.) A fine example of how to rehabilitate the thieving scouse crackhead drugdealers by forging qualifications. I forged me own ASBOs last week missus and now the neighbours welcome me with open fists. They all want one!

Well, back to the looney bin. Claire McCogloose is back in with us as of last week. A lovely girl and such a bright spark.... every time she wees on the toaster ha ha by jove they can't touch you for it... just don't touch the toast either.

Tatty Bye everybody, tatty bye!

(Not as tatty as Redmond though!)

Tonys Parrishioners said...

Do you know, if ever we are down in the dumps about the sad fate which has befallen our great city thanks to the likes of henshawerism, weak lib demmery and professional scouse-ism, we only have to read a few lines of Professor Chucklebutty's glorious ruminations, to quite brighten up our day. We have been waiting with bated breath for his re-appearance on the scene. And here he is - as gloriously discomknockerated as ever. Perhaps we should elect him as Mayor, Liam?

MILDRED said...

I will support the Mayor for Liverpool Campaign on one condition, Chucklebutty is the only candidate.
All hail to the Proff, he is the only one who has the qualifications for the job!
Keep it up Chucklebutty.

Prof.Yaffle Chucklebutty said...

Foghorn Legarty's comment that he enjoys, I say enjoys "frothy speculation as much as the next person" must be withdrawn. In the order of published comments, I am the next person and I have never enjoyed frothy speculation! For him to make this assertion is libelous. I am however willing to settle out of court. Perhaps we could discuss over a cappucino...no froth...I don't enjoy frothy perculation either.

Anonymous said...

welcome back tony
and professor chuckusmoney. I say vote him in as leader of the council

Tori Blare said...

I won a jam butty in a competition of Tony Parrish's, I am still waiting for it!
Just like we will wait for ever for any justice to be done in Liverpool Council Chambers

How the council use Ripa to spy on you....

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