Friday, February 01, 2008

EXPOSED: A TALE OF TWO CITIES - SPIN VERSUS SUBSTANCE


WE reproduce below, for your entertainment, the full text of the press release issued by Randy Newman on the sad occasion of the resignation of Jason Harborow, aka The Harbarrowboy.

It is a triumph of spin over substance worthy of serious study by students of the genre (he means us, eds).

So we have, therefore, provided our own translation. Enjoy.

"Jason Harborow, Chief Executive of Liverpool Culture Company, has announced today that he is stepping down from his post.

Translation: We have been forced to pay off the Harbarrowboy, because the Fireman Bradley’s stupid emails and secret meetings meant that Jase could take us to the cleaners for constructive dismissal with all the attendant disastrous publicity that would ensue from such a high profile case. And we couldn’t stand another round of ruinous headlines in our Culture year.



...He has successfully steered the Culture Company from its inception to readiness...

Translation: Jase has spent all his time feathering his own nest and looking after his own interests, by hopping from one job to another in his four years at the Fun Palace. He made sure that he never stayed in the same place long enough for the penny to drop that he couldn’t deliver a stamped addressed envelope if it killed him. (Which it very nearly did). Everyone agrees the Culture Company is utterly ramshackle, incompetent and hopeless and no-one has the foggiest idea where all the money has gone or what is supposed to be happening.

...of the Culture Company, including raising private sponsorship funding...

Translation: He couldn’t even do the job he was originally appointed to do – raise private sponsorship. The city council is still £5million adrift of the amount he promised to raise, no-one knows whether a penny in hard cash ever came in – it was always support ‘in kind’ which meant that we are now knee deep in crap Echo non-stories, Sayers pasties and sausage rolls, Ethel Austin undies and free legal advice for Jase from Hill Dickinson...

...and the delivery of the much acclaimed artistic programme for 08....
Translation: No one has acclaimed the artistic programme at all, except for us at the city council and the Echo. At least half of the population seem to be scratching their heads and wondering when something is going to happen, but we don’t give a toss about those oiks on the council estates, obviously. Most of the good stuff has been put together by our established cultural partners, but we have claimed all the credit and have managed to slap our 08 brand on everything that moves. Tee hee.




Mr Harborow said: “I have fulfilled my pledge to the people of Liverpool...
Translation: I have ripped you mugs off, big time. By the Christ, I have filled me boots with your dosh. Dick-heads. I am laughing all the way to the bank – and you have let me! Fantastic result.

...my job is done...
Translation: “I have spent the last six months on the sick and got full pay! That amounted to £100,000 in the bank for doing fuck all - except sit in the hacienda sucking ice lollies. I have achieved what I set out to do – bugger all. And since my sick pay was going to go down to half the amount, I thought I would jack it all in now and let my drinking mate Col pay me off with a handsome cheque.

...and it is time now for a new challenge”....

Translation: I am going to see Bradley off first of all, by submitting an official complaint to the Standards Board. Hasitall and Cover Up have been egging me on to do it for months and nothing would now give me greater pleasure than
to see Bradley barred from public office. Cheeky bastard. Who the fuck does he think he is? It’s us officers who run the council, not the morons like him who stand for election. With a bit of luck, I will come across as the innocent victim of it all. Even though I cocked up Mathew Street, everyone will forget all that when Bradley is led in chains down Dale Street. Then I am going to do a bit of consultancy to any other European cities who are gullible enough to pay any attention to a word I say and give me lots more lucre. I might do a bit of extra shopping in Chester, I have got some personal stuff to sort out and after that it will be a life of Riley back at the hacienda. But not Joe, obviously....




He is moving on to pursue new business interests and is to step down from his post at the end of the month...


Translation: We have no idea what he is going to do now and we don’t care, we just want to see the back of him PDQ.



He went on to say: "I have very much enjoyed my time in Liverpool...
Translation: This bloody city has been a fucking nightmare. First Finnegan sussed me out as a total fraud within weeks, but Henshaw thankfully got him out of the way for making sure the papers knew Henshaw wasn’t going to get his pension. Then Forde started kicking off about me cutting the Mathew Street budget and threatening people’s safety. What do I care about Scousers? But thank Christ Forde packed it in too. I had to laugh when Bradley had a go at him. It was priceless! If you ask me my recipe for success, I would say that I soon learnt not to stay in the same position for too long – so no-one cottoned on to what I was doing, until it was all too late. I have to say I learnt from the master - Sir Diddy. He taught me everything I knew. Must go for a coffee with him, next time I am in Manchester. I suppose I will end up paying as usual.

...It has been a tremendous challenge but we are there...
Translation: Thank Christ I am getting out of here before it all goes pear-shaped.

...2008 will be the beginning of the future for Liverpool and its entire people, and I am grateful that I was able to play a role in that...
Translation: This sounded really good when Randy read it to me over the phone, but now I have no idea what it means. I hope he doesn’t mean all that Creative Communities bollocks that the Scousers were obsessed with trying to promote. All those horrible unemployed people – trying to teach them about Culture was a bit like teaching Hasitall financial management. A hopeless case. They deserved being ripped off. Numb-skulls.

...Other personal business opportunities have opened up for me next year and I wish to concentrate my efforts on these...
Translation: I shall bullshit my way around the world.

...I have therefore taken the decision to leave now, confident that the programme for 2008 will make it the most successful Capital of Culture ever...
Translation: I am getting out of here sharpish, before people wise up. With my pockets full of dosh.

...I am leaving behind a strong organisation moving forwards into its delivery role..."
Translation: I have left it all in the hands of The Ego Our Lord Redmond, who just wants his name in the papers and nutters like McCogloose, who will just agree with the first person she hears. Half the staff are applying for other jobs like it is going out of fashion, the other half daren’t admit they work for the Culture Company for fear that it will ruin their reputations for life. The place is a total laughing stock. And I haven’t mentioned the money yet. But that’s your problem now, suckers!



Colin Hilton, Chief Executive of Liverpool City Council, said: “Jason has made a huge contribution to the city over the last four years in leading the team that has developed such a strong programme for 2008.

Translation: Am I really supposed to say this? Are you sure? I don’t know what the hell has been going on over there for the last four years. Where has all the money gone? No one has got a grip on it at all. Consultants kept on waltzing in and out as if they owned the place. They probably did, with all the money the city council was paying them. It wasn’t for me to interfere either. I am a council bureaucrat, I don’t do culture. I have no idea what the artistic programme is at all. But the brochure has lots of nice pictures in it. I just can’t be bothered to turn the pages. My mum seems to like it though.

...He brought flair and a commercial edge to our work....
Translation: Jase was great. He seemed to know lots of people in the private sector, which was obviously a very good thing, and he brought them in regularly to help us out with all kinds of things. They did an excellent job, by all accounts. One of these friends of Jase’s presented me with a nice grey fleece, which keeps me very warm, and also gave me a lovely wooly hat for my mum. Which was really very kind and thoughtful of him, I thought. They have done a fine job for Liverpool – just like BT and Liverpool Direct. It has been a real partnership. I am just waiting for a full report about what has been achieved.

...and will always be remembered for his enthusiasm and ability to engage the support of the most top level people across sport, government, the arts and other institutions.”


Translation: Jase was a terrific bullshitter. The Government ministers were so gullible it was incredible and they believed every word he said. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know who half these people are. I recognised a few faces from the telly though. One of them got a ticket for my mum to go and visit the House of Lords. She had a really nice day. Redmond went with her – he said something about going on a recce. The cultural lot/arty farty set were a piece of cake – they wouldn’t say boo to a goose, anyway. Even if Jase had pissed all over their chips.



Bryan Gray, Chairman of the Culture Company Board, said: "I would like to thank Jason for his contribution to the success of the Capital of Culture over the last few years.
Translation: I can’t believe I am saying this. Jesus, the things I have to do for these clods in Liverpool. Good job I have taken it over now, after I told that Fireman Fella what was what. He soon got the message. Pygmy.

...I am sure that everyone associated with the Liverpool Culture Company will join with me in sending best wishes to Jason for his future..."
Translation: I am not giving any radio interviews about this tosser. I would choke on these words.

7 comments:

Eulogy said...

The psychology in these statements is clear. Self justification and denial.
Because they know they have made a complete pigs ear of all this they are compelled by self loathing to issue these eulogies, same as they did for Henshite.

When will they realise that a dignified silence is often the best policy when facing such a monumental disaster. Instead they end up falling over themselves to try and convince people of the unconvincable, that this man was anything other than overpromoted, out of his depth and unable to deliver. What talent and ability he may have had was undermined by inept politicians. If Bradley and Storey had any guts they could have emerged from this heroes a long time ago by demanding the proper actions and scrutiny but yet again they showed that they are incapable and unable to deal with poor management of the council offices without resorting to propogating lies or smears or engaging in ill fated and ultimately costly conspiracies.

Had they insisted upon proper scrutiny and open accounts,from the beginning they could have maintained some element of control instead of relying on spin.

Then again what can you expect from an administration that was handed a damning audit report on Liverpool Direct and before any of the demanded measures could be introduced and checked they extended the multi million pound contract until 2017.

The budget deficit could be wiped out by ending that particular rip off, where the city has to buy back the time of it's own staff and whilst still paying their salaries and pay a fortune to deliver services that it already provided. What is the benefit? Second rate computers and IT that costs 3 to 4 times the high street price with a strangle hold on maintenance whether you need it or not costing the city, what is it? £137 Million?

What a city! Joe Anderson, you have got your work cut out to survive the mess you are going to inherit.

The Tonys said...

Do you know, sometimes we wonder if there is anyone out there who really understands all that has happened over the last few years -and why. And then a comment like this arrives out of the blue and absolutely restores our faith. This comment is so spot on and so profoundly accurate, that it puts our own modest efforts to shame. Absolutely accurate analysis of the role of third rate politicians who have taken Liverpool into the gutter. If only they had shown some moral backbone and courage, it could all have been so very different for the city. And the cabalists could have been run out of town. If eulogy has any other insights to offer we may be tempted to do a chucklebutty - and post them in their own right. Have a go!

Despairing said...

Anyone who thinks Anderson has either the gumption or the strength to sort all this out, is living in cloud cuckoo land. You only have to see him cosying up to Halsall, who can't even get his sums right, and Harborow, who has just robbed the city blind, to realise that Anderson will bring no real change in administration. He believes in his simple-minded way that it's all the fault of the politicians whereas the truth is that shit politicians combined with corrupt, money-grabbing officers, is a recipe for Liverpool descending into chaos. Redmond will take advantage of all their ineptitude.

Eulogy said...

Aww shucks Tone's you are all very kind and remain a source of inspiration and hope. But I think a Chucklebutty on the menu is enough without a Eulocheesesandwich too.

Speaking of cheese, the term, "Have-a-go" was once associated with Wilfred Pickles and the main catchphrase in his radio game show was.....
"Give 'im the money Ada..."!

Comedy Connections by Jove!

Radiorogerside said...

Sorry Eulogy.. it was 'Give em the money Barney' The same Barney, being Barney Colehan who went on to great things. In his day you got a halfcrown = 12.5 pence todays money! I agree however with your observations. In Liverpools case it is 'Give em the money Coverup' as much as they can carry.

Stormbringer said...

All comments above are totally valid and an accurate depiction of what has occured.However it is the politicians that have appointed these people and failed in their duty to monitor and evaluate their performance allowing them to carry out such corrupt practices and adopting head in the sand mangement tactics in the vain hope that it will all go away.
The weak and incompetant leadership of the city has destroyed its credibility.
Once again liverpool and its governace is the laughing stock of Great Britain.
Going cap in hand to the government for finacial support towards the Capital Culture year then only a month later being dammed by an audit report stating we are the worst managers of public finance in the country.
It beggars belief, I would not like to be in Bradley's shoes right now his interview that you hae transcribed onto this page demonstrates his lack of ability and his pitiful attempts to not answer the questions or accept any responsibility for the mess we are in.
He is nothing if not weak and misguided, a pitiful speaker and a bad liar, when ever questioned on his or his officers actions.

May can and should bring about a change but by god there is some serious work to be done not just managing the finacial train wreck of the culture company but taking on all the other corrupt practices that have gone on for years right under our noses our weak leadership has not challenged them ever.
I personaly cannot wait until The Capital of Culture year its over and we can get back to some kind of normality albeit with a masive debt to deal with.
No easy solution to the issues but plenty of hard work to get us back on track.
Good luck to the new leaders in May and Good riddance to this lot of limp wristed wasters.

Eulogy said...

By heavens radiorogerside you are right! Thank you for that correction about Barney. You know what I did don't ya? Wilfred Pickles and the wonderful Irene Handle starred together in a sit com called "For the Love of Ada" a story of romance in the twighlight years. But that is where my mistaken quotation must have originated. I think Jack Smethurst was in it too, who later went on to star in the enormously popular at the time, Love thy Neighbour,notorious now for the racist language and.......later as bin man mate to Eddie Yeats in Coronation Street, who of course appeared in the Liverpool Nativity, a prelude event to Capital of Culture highlighting the cruelty of the evil Sir Diddy Herod, who is still possibly influencing the politacal revenge against Storey and Bradley. That's Warren Bradley not Alan, although the demise of both can be linked back to an altercation involving a Tram.

Can you pass me my pills please!?

Comedy Connections.

How the council use Ripa to spy on you....

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