Wednesday, August 15, 2007


We know this is swimming against the tide of public opinion, but we must congratulate the Culture Company on their latest brainwave.

They plan to drain Liverpool's historic Salthouse Dock to create a 20,000 seater venue for a televised BBC charity concert.

Then they want to stun the fish who swim in the dock before safely transporting them to a temporary new home.

A giant goldfish bowl will then be created in the centre of Liverpool where people will pay a fiver to splash around with the rescued fish for the world premiere of an exciting performance art concept.

(We've made this last bit up, eds. The rest is totally true, unbelievably. )

If this madcap, crazed and crazy scheme ever sees the light of day, we will kiss Sir David Henshaw's personal wad, take Colin Cover Up and his mum for dinner (humble pie on the menu, eds) and buy the Harbarrowboy his very own sun lamp.

(So there's a huge incentive for you to actually try and deliver something, lads)

We know Tony Parrish has made much of there being something very fishy about the evil cabal, the city council and the Culture Company. But this is ridiculous.

The woman who put Brian May on top of Buckingham Palace for the Queen's Jubilee concert is apparently behind this bonkers scheme - forced by the lack of major concert venues in Liverpool. The Culture Comp have enthusiastically taken the bait.

Computer generated images have already been shown as part of a glossy presentation to senior officers of the city council, who were apparently left gasping for breath, stunned as a proverbial salty fish and open-mouthed. (No change there then, eds)

The Beeb are all very excited about this unusual use of licence fee payers money.

How much developing this scheme has cost the city's council tax payers so far, is anyone's guess.

How much it will actually cost to stage is astronomical - and rumoured to put £250 on council tax bills for every single home in Liverpool.

Nice to know your hard-earned money is being spent so sensibly, isn't it?

Of course, the Culture Company could be making yet another rod for their own backs.
Or they may be fishing for badly-needed compliments.

The Harbarrowboy could, true to form, prove as slippery as an eel and be spinning us another line. (Although the Daily Post earnestly repeated details of this bizarre plan today, apparently completely straight-faced, eds)

It could also, very obviously, be the one that got away. (Sorry about that, couldn't resist, eds)

In the meantime, if anyone would like to phone the RSPCA to protest about cruelty to the poor fish being stunned, please be our guests.

And if anyone would like to form a Capital of Culture Fish Fanciers Society, please contact us asap.

Meanwhile, we are inviting suggestions for the bands who are likely to appear at the 2008 Fish Festival in Salthouse Dock. (Of course, no one has been booked yet, eds)

Some artist suggestions:


The Sharks

Shirley Bass-ey

Kylie Minnow
Groove Armada
Cod Creole


The Four Roll Mops
Bob Marlin and the Whalers

Songs to be sung include:

There's A Plaice For Us

Yellow Submarine

It Could Salmon to You
I Cod Have Danced All Night
You Don't Send Me Flounders Anymore
If I Cod Be With You
In The Eel Small Hours Of The Morning
Sea Eeled With A Kiss
That's a Moray
Clam Every Mountain
It Haddock Be You
When You Fish Upon A Star
I Am the Walrus
Shark! the Herald Angels Sing
You Walrus Hurt The One You Love
Sole Train
Zing! Went the Strings of My Carp
Salmon Janet Evening
Nearer My Cod To Thee
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat
Mackerel The Knife
Crocodile Rock

Stingray (der der der der)

Water Way To End It All


Jaques Capital of Coustau said...

Has anybody else noticed the startling similarity between the orange coloured fish (pictured) and our own dear Sir Diddy?

The tiny little creature, all chinless and bog eyed, slimy and scaly has apparrently moved to a Fishtank in Manchester. If only he hadn't f****d up the Eden project style Aquarium for Liverpool he could have stayed here amidst his bottom feeder pals.

So now Jason and the Argonuts will forget the golden fleece and just fleece the council taxpayers instead.

I hear the concert will be hosted by Tom O'Connor, who, during the interval, will reprise his quiz show "Name That Tuna"

They must think we were all prawn yesterday.

Personally I would bring in Sir Bob Geldof and fishing expert Rex Hunt as consultants. It could be called LIVE BAIT

Also appearing:
Professor Drummer Bono
Pink Lloyd Grossman.
Ure Midget (sir diddy)
Jason's Orange (it's the sunlamp) from "Stuff That"
And of course from Culture Club,
By George, it's another disaster.

Anonymous said...

I don't know about the fish but if Harbarrowboy and crew manage to deliver anything of note I think the entire City will be stunned.

Deano said...

That's A Moray is quite the best of these - had me chuckling all day. Now I can't get the song out of me head!!!

Anonymous said...

If jason Orange can pull this off he is quite a guy ! but I think there is only one thing he can pull off and he has been doing that for qwuite some time !!

How the council use Ripa to spy on you....

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