FARFROMINDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION: NO-ONE TO BLAME SHOCK FINDINGS, EXCLUSIVE

COLIN COVER UP was told about problems with the Mathew Street festival months before it was scrapped.
The Harbarrowboy regularly gave him updates on the worries over Europe's biggest street festival.
Yet the £220,000-a-year Hilton failed to raise the alarm until it was too late.
This has all emerged from the city council's Municipal Buildings where Harbarrowboy, as the Executive Director for Culture, made regular visits from the Millennium House Fun Palace.
He reported regularly to Hilton, as his boss and chief executive of the city council.
Yet Cover Up did nothing about it (no change there, then, eds).
The word amongst senior officers - some of whom witnessed the Harbarrowboy actually briefing Hilton - is that Jase may have to walk the plank to protect his boss's job.
No doubt Hilton will be able to ensure there is a lucrative leaving package to make Jase's ignominious exit more palatable.
The revelation that Hilton was intimately connected with the Mathew Street debacle comes as no surprise to insiders at the city council.
But it makes a mockery of the fireman Bradley's protestations that he has every confidence in Hilton's farfromindependent 'investigation' into who knew what, when, and who did what about it.
So Hilton is in it up to his neck.
So too is the Harbarrowboy - he knew about the problems, but did nothing about them.
He also created the Mathew St mess in the first place - by demanding swinging cuts, forcing Lee Forde's departure.
And what about the fireman Bradley?
He personally employed both the Harbarrowboy and Cover Up in their lucrative jobs.
He has only himself to blame when their failures are now revealed for all to see.
And like any other political Leader in the known universe he must also take personal responsibility for the mess his organisation has created.
As Joe Anderson has thankfully pointed out: all this happened on Bradley's watch. He is the Captain of the Ship. He must take responsibility.
Of course if any one of the gang of three had an ounce of integrity in them, they would do the honourable thing and resign now, rather than allow this pantomime to continue.
That would at least draw a line under a fiasco which all three have personally allowed to drag on for the last four weeks.
Of course none of them do (have any integrity or honour, eds)
They don't care about the reputation of the city which is being made a laughing stock every day in the public prints.
The fireman is more concerned about his political position.
Cover Up is more concerned about his money and disappearing repuatation.
The Harbarrowboy is more concerned about the dosh he will lose and his property interests in Spain.
None of them, of course, are the slightest bothered about the looming outcome of Cover Up's farfromindependent 'investigation'.
They know that no council official has the bottle to point the finger at Cover Up, The Harbarrowboy or The Fireman.
So here is our exclusive report about the farfromindependent investigation's shock conclusions:

• No individual can be blamed (with the possible exception of the entirely innocent Lee Forde, but certainly not the esteemed chief exec, eds)
• The Mathew Street fiasco happened because of serious breakdowns in organisational communication between the city council and the Culture Company (this is an inevitable consequence of two huge organisations working together on a major project, eds)
• The fiasco also happened because of some fundamental systemic failures within the Culture Company (but no names and no pack drill, it would not be fair to release the report in its entirety would it? eds)
• The Culture Company obviously needs more experienced staff brought in for 2008 (a licence for the influx of an army of new consultants, eds)
• The council is deteremined to tighten up some of the Culture Company's internal procedures and reporting regimes to ensure there is no repeat in 2008 (this failure is understandable with such a new organisation which has had a comparatively short history of running major events and is a little inexperienced, eds)
• The Mathew Street festival will go ahead next year and be bigger and better than ever before and we will seriously listen to all concerned, including Joe Reilly and Rex Makin (a clumsy attempt at a reassuring sop, eds)
• At least we have got our major mistakes out of the way before 2008 (if you believe that, you will believe anything, eds)
• Don't worry abvout 2008 now - it's safe in our hands (cut to carefully-staged photo of The Fireman shaking hands with The Harbarrowboy, while Cover Up looks on benevolently, eds).
• Quotes from The Fireman: "lessons learned, blah-blah; shock to the system but great the way we all pulled together, blah-blah; harsh things said on both sides, blah-blah; shows how we all care, blah-blah; investigation left no stone unturned, blah-blah; open and transparent, blah-blah; Anderson just running the city down, blah-blah; cheap political point-scoring, blah-blah; i'm only a fireman, blah-blah; trust Colin with my life, blah-blah; me and Jase have professional relationship, blah-blah; working together, blah-blah; determined to make 2008 a fantastic success, blah-blah.")

And that, dear readers, will be that. Unless you do something about it.