Tuesday, May 06, 2008

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!! THE RUNNERS AND RIDERS IN THE GREAT LIVERPOOL LIB DEM SWEEPSTAKE.....


The runners and riders are now limbering up in the paddock for the Liverpool Lib Dem Leadership Sweepstakes, 2008.
With a world record £62million debt as prize money and a world wide television audience stretching as far as Anfield in the north and Speke in the south, this year's race is expected to attract tens of eager punters.
With famous hurdles such as The Standards Board of England and Wales, Capital of Culture and General Incompetence providing formidable tests, this year's race is sure to be packed with exciting thrills and spills.
But with the going officially classed as 'the worst ever', it will be no surprise if any of the current contenders ever pass the winning post.
So, without further ado, we present our exclusive and in-depth Liverpool Subculture guide to all the declared runners and riders. And some not so declared.


Foolish Fireman, ridden by W. Bradley. Last year's winner has suffered a remarkable lack of form and has never really showed the promise forecast by his trainer, S.Toreyteller. FF has unseated his young rider several times already this year, most notably warming up in the paddock in front of a global audience for the Mathew Street stakes. Jockey Bradley is now said to be prone to Perroni, as a result. Likewise, the Fireman has never really recovered from the Mathew St setback, despite trips abroad to Las Vegas and Cannes. Temperamental and likely to veer off course at the slightest opportunity. Has been noticed foaming at the mouth recently. Did not get on with stablemate The Harbarrowboy, who disappeared to sunnier climes after winning The Pay-off Stakes. The 10-year-old Fireman is badly handicapped. Likely to be put out to stud if he falls here. Our advice: May be worth a flutter for old times sake, if you have any money left once you have paid your council tax. 2-1

Flo Clueless. Dependable old nag. A familiar filly who is fast becoming a regular at this event. Once notably fleet of foot and able to literally dance around the course - she was a particular favourite at the Irish Centre sweepstakes - she has now become a bit of a plodder. According to most commentators, she was lucky to survive a stewards inquiry into the recent Irish meeting and somehow escaped censure, after being accused of trying to rig the race. An unspectacular performer, she is likely to finish the course without any unfortunate mishaps. However, she will struggle to succeed ahead of her younger rivals on this surface - she is more used to the richer European turf and is carrying extra weight. Her backers tend to over-rate her abilities and she has done little to impress in the last four years. Last time out, finished a long way behind the leaders. This is probably her last chance to be first past the winning post. Our advice: 100-1 outsider. Not a hope in hell.

Education Boy, ridden by the only woman jockey in the race, Pam Clein. Hugely erratic performer, has been pulled up several times already this year and is well known for his tendency to refuse at some fences. Has had a good schooling, is technically accomplished and very experienced but lacks any credible support from punters, who dislike his wayward temperament. His jockey is even less popular, with the pair being effectively ostracised by other runners and riders. A free spirit who will go his own way unless he can be strictly disciplined. Wears blinkers. Victory for him would be very unpopular amongst his own racing fraternity. May even switch stables if he fails to romp home first here. Our advice: Only if you are desperate. 12-1.

Arch Hypocrite, ridden by Richard Kemp. Mean and gangly stallion, who once forged a doomed partnership with the notorious banned jockey, Sir Diddy. The only grey in the race, he is now returning from lucrative exile in the south where he has been out at stud and a show horse. Carries more baggage than any other rider in the race. His Boots are packed full of lead weights which will slow him down and prevent him surmounting many of the course hurdles. Has a habit of leaving a lot of shit behind him. Has never ridden the Liverpool race before. He also has a confusing tendency to look one way while running in another direction. Likes to preen himself in front of spectators in the paddock. Fond of loud whinnying, stamping his hooves, swishing his tail and flaring his nostrils, which has made him a favourite with impressionable punters. Backed by seasoned punters Sir Trevor Jones and Roger Johnson and may carry the backing of the establishment - he is the strongest rival to the Foolish Fireman. Our advice: Could go the distance - but don't give him any of your money, you won't get it back! 5-4

The Wavertree Lurch, ridden by C.Eldridge. Young rank outsider who may be persuaded to run if it looks as though the Fireman is faltering. Unknown quantity, unlikely to stay the course. Our advice: Waste of money. 250-1

12 comments:

Prof Y Chucklebutty said...

Absolutely Superb!

Like the Liverpool Summer Pops will this be at Aintree?

There is still the stewards enquiry to look forward to whoever wins.

No the standards one, not the old croxteth carthorse.

My Money is on the Glue Factory between now and 2010.

Pete said...

I've just spoken to the station boss, Richard Maddock, and he's getting a programme put together to cover the event on 105.9 City Talk.

Phil Easton will be down there, along with the sports team, who are really bored with no football on.

Herbert will be there in either a pink or purple, or maybe a combo suit so he gets more publicity while he runs for mayor.

Can you all start spreading the word about Herbert running for mayor? It would be greatly appreciated!

Captain Mac said...

I think of this lot more like the pigs in Animal Farm, not as horses.

Anonymous said...

Only Clein has a shred of integrity and ability. Perhaps that's why they don't like him?

Richard Kemp - friend of Henshaw, hammer of the Boot estate, Turkish fugitive - no way he should be allowed anywhere within 1,000,000 miles of my council tax revenue.

Dire.

nil desperandum said...

Not yet declared - The Turnip

Sometimes known as 'Berni Turner'; ridden as a novice by Cllr Keith Turner, but tossed off halfway round the course. Remounted by ex-Cllr Robbie Quinn, hard-ridden to no effect, finishing several lengths behind winner at Anfield. Has trouble running true due to head permanently in nose-bag. Tongue hangs right, especially in company of owner Carolyn Hughes, and at feeding time.

Offers nothing extra under whip; one-paced and unsuited to hard going; unlikely to come from the back. May complete course only if travelling in reverse.

Bet only if drunk. Odds: name your own

The Tonys said...

This is what we love about our readers...

Anonymous said...

what odds would you give me on nadia stewpid. she must have been promised something to slither across the floor like that.
lots of love
john mccririck

Anonymous said...

Funny how the name of this year's National winner was inspired by Cllr Warren Bradley's leadership style: "Comply Or Die..."

the tonys said...

Prof, thanks for that interesting quote. we would like to save it up and give it some proper PR. is that ok?

Prof said...

As you wish Mr Ts. It was rather odd don't you think, but then so is he.

Anonymous said...

Actually it is Jan Clein who is married to Paul.

Pam Clein is married to Eddie

All very nepotistic I realise, but not precisely as described....

The Tonys said...

Quite right. Our mistake.

How the council use Ripa to spy on you....

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