Wednesday, January 16, 2008


By Jove! It's me Sir Diddy, here to celebrate with you.

Today, to mark this historic occasion, instead of my usual frivolity, I offer you a serious address, no not me house in Aigburth “Stillgrabbin” I’ve flogged that, although it still hurts that I couldn’t get at that 50pence piece that fell behind the old boiler, well Lady Diddy is hard to shift after a hard day at the factory knotting sausages.

Here Ladies and Cheltenham, on what should have been a special day for me, had I not been forced to retire on wealth grounds, is my speech to open the Capital of Custard.2008.
They wouldn’t let me make it on the night, even though it was though my glorious leadership that we won it.

Instead, the crowd got a few ramblings from the Anaemic Mermaid herself, Phyllis Redmond, the man who turned the custard company around, so they couldn’t see that he’d done nothing for five years.

“We did it,” he proclaimed!

Through a mouth that looks like somebody sat on a pasty.

“It’s like a scouse wedding!” So you’re all condemned to years of fighting and misery trying to pay for it.

What an inspiration!

Had I still been at the helm this is what you would have got at the Sir Diddy Arena (as it should have been called)
By Jove Missus, We did it!!!! It’s been like a scouse wedding here…..(hang on cut that bit Lady Diddy)

Yes, by Jove, Capital of Custard 2008.

Can you all see me at the back? What do you mean you can’t see me at the front? Can somebody get me a bigger box?
Welcome to Liverpool, the year in which Liverpool itself is the show!

After five years of the Custard Company using every opportunity to make a show of us, it has arrived at last. Here we are in a giant shed in the docks. Yes I know many of you have wanted to see me in the dock for a long time.

Did you all go on Friday?

What a spectacle it was on the steps of St David’s Hall. It left the crowd wanting more, you could here thousands of voices winding back down Lime Street saying over and over again “Is Da F**kin it?”

Nearly three million quid spent on that box of Bengo matches and the three rockets trading standards confiscated in November. Thirty-five minutes of quality entertainment and Pete Price.

Unfortunately the planned opening choral piece from the Grotty Cash Asbo Ensemble, singing my very own theme song, “Pick a pocket or two” had to be postponed when they were all arrested during rehearsals.

I have enlisted the help of renowned Liverpool lawyer and pothole expert, my old sparing partner, Sir Rex of the Hesperus to get the choir released. As you know, I will do anything for a tenor.
Did all enjoy the aerial artistes? That was a mistake you know.

Young Clara MeCogloose was showing Jasper Hottlebottle a sketched out proposal to have a Toxteth Riots sequence on the steps outside the hall, the custard company’s idea of how to engage communities, and Hottlebottle said could you do it with Adobe Acrobat.

So MeCogloose, who is a bit daft in one ear, promptly rushed off looking for some dozy acrobats. Well ladies and gentlemen the idea of the aerial acrobats clearly captured the imagination of the people of the city.

I was touched by the hundreds of requests by people asking to see me suspended from a rope as the main feature for the grand opening.

Unfortunately I suffer from Vertigo with Sagittarius, the Robbing Archer on the cusp. That’s why I can only go to grade 6 Cuban heels. Yes missus, otherwise I get Diddy Spells!
We have a spectacular show for you tonight!

Those of you who know me know that I am a great supporter of our wonderful Liverpool Phil. No not pasty face Redmond! The Philharmonic!

I understand that Arriva have given one of their finest conductors the night off to be here with us.

What’s his name again? Petroleum Jellyco..who? Vascular….Verysilly….Potato? I can’t read this… thought you had spell checked! Is it Raphael Benetton ? What happened to the other fella…Simon Throttle?

Anyway, they’ll be knocking out a few numbers later, including, from the Lib-Dem Book of Patriotic Songs, Land of Hopeless Storey and Rule Blog Ban Ya, along with old favourites, The Plight of the Bumbler Bradley and Amazing Gross Misconduct.
Later for the kids and the Leader, we have some cartoons. The Bugs Bunny Men, Pete Wylie Coyote, Sonia the Hedgehog, MacElhinney the Pooh (that’s a euphemism) The Wombats of Wimbledon, Foghorn Leggarty with his Rooster for Mayor campaign and of course the one and only Pingu Starr from The Arctic Monkees. He’ll be performing in his new singlet again plus the classic hit, “What would you do if I once sang in tune”

Pingu will be signing copies of his new release at the Arena later this evening and all next week in the Pound Shop on Breck Road. I hear Frankies Gone to Holly Oaks so they wont be here.
And despite attempts by a local politician to prevent Farm products being brought in to the Arena, following his experiences of foot in mouth, it has been agreed he will hide in the Ladies when they come on stage to perform their renowned anthrax, er anthem, “All the money’s gone”
There’s more, Ladies and gentlemen, by Jove an authentic voice of Liverpool youth, it says here, then he must have accidentally slipped by the Custard Company to be on stage here tonight, unless he’s the son of one of them, RudeVanWinkle will be performing his rap tribute to Liverpool 08…. here’s a short taster. Riuven is it?
“ Liverpool, it’s 08
you gonna pay for it mate
cos the guys with the purse
been nothin’ but a curse
now it’s here
and the beer
is sellin’ at a rate
that I cant afford a drink,
what I got to celebrate?

You had five years bro,
to plan and you fail
Wasting money you aint got,
you should be in Walton gaol
What you’ve done to the people,
will be done to you I hope
When you’re in the prison shower,
bendin’ down for da soap”

By Jove, Missus, cover the vicars ears, that brings tears to your eyes!

A very Rude Van Winkle.
Finally to say to you all, whatever this bunch of rogues and halfwits supposed to have been leading this have or have not done over the last five years, the hard working staff and ordinary decent Liverpool people involved at the front line of all this have been doing their best to make it a meaningful year beyond the earnings and egos of the incompetent bunch of self serving, self important, careerist money grabbing opportunists trying to claim the credit….well imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so thank you.

Many, if not most, of the events and highlights would have happened anyway but at least this year you might pop along to them and even enjoy them.

If you can get something out of it wonderful, personally, I can’t. all the big money has gone so I’m off back to my new adopted home away from Grotty Cash and back to Mirth of Tydfil in Wales.

Liverpool I left you and I always let you down.
So c’mon Liverpool, get down with D.Diddy and let’s party….sorry special free invitation only to Malmaisson.

No Scousers.
Yakkie Da Everybody Yakkie Da! Wednesday, January 16, 2008 2:29:00 AM


Tony Parrish47 said...

What, amongst so much rich material, is your favourite laffoutloud bit, dear readers? Speaking personally, mine is "Land of Hopeless Storey..."

Anonymous said...

Foghorn Leggarty, a mayor for Liverpool. Very funny. Although some people are now saying "Chuckle for mayor"...It's a plan.

Bird said...

The custard company makes me giggle

Anonymous said...

once again proffesor chucklebutty hits the nail on the head brilliant stuff. I dont agree with having a mayor for liverpool and would only change my mind if the prof was up for it.

Anonymous said...

Spent most of the day with "All the money's gone" to the tune of Altogether Now going through my head ...

jacko said...

'adobe acrobat' is just an absolute fecking classic. chucklebutty for mayor - but only if Tony Parrish will be his spin doctor!

Mill House said...

"Rule blog ban ya". I was chuckling all day (and I work for the city council)

Rude Van Winkle said...

With reference to the inclusion of my Liverpool 08 Rap, and some feedback from fans,I would like to take this opportunity to state that in relation to the content dealing with the "prison shower" neither the professor nor I condone any act of sexual aggression. This was purely lyrical metaphor to illustrate the discontent towards certain individuals in their attitude and actions that ill served the people of Liverpool. I apologise unreservedly for any offence this may have caused unless you is a smelly Goth. Please do not mistake my stage persona for the sensitive and thoughtful person behind the mask. If you care to examine my You tube video collection,including Inglenook and park, you will see that my interests are varied ranging from culinary delights and bar menus providing good old fashioned traditional sunday lunch, to the availability of "gash" at the Inglenook. I am also aware that my crude metaphor equally applies to my own person once the media and music industry have squeezed any profit from my imported socially engineered and promoted "talent" that aims to divert young people, the socially marginalized and disadvantaged or otherwise dangerous lumpen elements into a delusional cul de sac of harmless rebellion and aspirations to enter the predominantly self destructive and pointless world of celebrity.

Your good friend
Rudolf Van Winkle

Anonymous said...

t is that good I am jealous. Rest assured, the city councillors have seen it and laughed (in cross party support!)

Prof. Y. Chucklebutty said...

By Jove, Missus, have you seen the headlines following my guest appearance on Wicked FM welsh radio show, Friday night with Jones the Rrhos?

“Fury over Sir Diddy Comments on Rrhos The Interview”
…..When asked by Rrhos what Diddy missed most about Liverpool, he laughed. Somewhat taken aback Rrhos said, I waaaasn’t expecting laughter boyo, is there anything you miss about Liverpool? “Err, the money” replied Sir Diddy……..Many people are now saying that Sir Diddy’s return to Liverpool for the opening event was a cynical manoeuvre to remind people of how bloody awful it could have been. Leader of the City Inconsolable, Wally Bradlow said. It is sad that Diddy chose not to make up a load of sentimental toss about the city. We welcomed him to the event with an open expenses account. There’s a lot going on he could have talked about….all the grotty things that we have been busy covering up, the Shakespeare company is doing one of his finest comedies, rewritten for Liverpool, “Two Gentlemen on Perroni”
We certainly wont be inviting him to this years Matthew Street Festival…is it on? Having spent some time with Diddy, his comments disappointed me and I really thought he was bigger than that.

Comments from Local people included;
String him up!
Punch him on the chin, if you can find it,
I think Pete Bounds the one they got rid of would have been better
He is just too used to the Hollyhead lifestyle.
He was just here to promote his crap CD “Liverpool H8 Figure”
What a heel!

By Jove, ladies and gentlemen, having left Liverpool still feeling full of plumtiousness and other free booze at the Malmaison, I wake up next day to find according to a city opinion poll, I am public enemy number one, overtaking Hitler, Tarby, Spring Heeled MacIllhinney, Boss Hogg, from the Dukes of Hazard and Beryl Barmpot. I’ll bet half of the people making these comments didn’t even see my interview! So missus, to allow you to make up your own mind, I offer the full edited and fiddled about with transcript of my interview, to allow the good and fuuurrrrr…..fuuurrr, we say in Liverpool, fuurrr minded people to decide for themselves. Here it is.

Rrhos: The House band ladies and gentlemen Four Executive Diwectors and a Fiasco.Now, shall we bwing the next guest on?

(Audience screaming no and running for exits)

Rrhos: Here he is ladies and gentlemen, the one and only,thank god, Sir Diddy Upstart.

Diddy: By Jove, they all love me. Love and peace missus, by Jove yes, you look like you’d love a piece. Can I say how tickled I was to be in Liverpool last weekend for the City of Custard, where’s me CD? Show em me CD. Yes I was tickled 35,000 times…in cash! What a wonderful weekend. Hartlepool is great.

Rrhos: Now I see you’re still giving it the fingers, wubbing you thumb acwoss them.

Diddy: Well yes, I’m still trying to spread love of cash. Love of cash everyone!

Rrhos: So the only thing you miss is the money?

Diddy: Well the crowd was excited so I had to say I was this close to coming back for some more, but the Custard Company has spent it and the budget for the next few years. Don’t get me wrong, Liverpool is great, I grew rich there, I have accounts there, but you know you can only get away with so much before you laugh so hard on the way to the bank that you rupture your clack.

Rrhos: Now you have had another caweer and been in a few films.

Diddy: Yes I was great. I played a Robbing Australian Archer alongside Marlon Bradley, we were friends for 2 weeks and then nothing. But he used to come into breakfast meetings with me and start counting the spoons and I’d say look, he’s counting the spoons. Marvellous!

Rrhos: I was looking at one of your other movies recently not the one pwoduced by council staff when you were Chuckle Executive “Help” but the more wecent one Health! And the humour in that still shines thwough. A fat little gnome lecturing about health and fluffing his lines is still hilarwious. Lets’s face it you were cwap. Still available on Youtube. In fact I am gonna make the kids watch it if they don’t go to bed. Now we found this photo of you outside a bank in Liverpool, so who are these guys?

Diddy: Oh by Jove, that’s Rory Storey and the Shenanigans and you see him on the end, he was the Jimmy Kendricks of his day. And that’s Macca, the dog, you know whenever we went away, in those days, we had to take a blonde. I wonder where she is now.

Rrhos: But you are wearwing big pink money belts, I imagine it must have taken some bottle in Livepool with all the cuts in services to wear that.

Diddy: Those moneybelts were useful, when they tried to corner us, we said hey we got moneybelts and they just handed me another £380,000!

Rrhos: So let’s talk about your new CD Liverpool H8, now not only is this on CD, but it is, look at this, available on ligature, I haven’t seen this before.

Diddy: Yes a friend of mine Chas Creole produces these from his modest offices in Freepark, you can wear it around your neck and strangle yourself to death listening to my lectures.

Rrhos: Diddy, it’s been wonderful to have you here, give me you bank account number and keep spweading love of cash, Ladies and Gentlemen, Sir Diddy.
(Audience hisses) End of Interview.

Rrhos: So, Sir Wichard of Attenborwough, were you ever tempted to shag an Iguana?

(Cut transcript)

So there you have it missus, I was great! Lovable, full of plumptiousness and really selling the City of Custard. Of course now in Liverpool they are going to have to sell everything to pay for it. So pop down to the Oh H8 place and show your support by purchasing one of the 08 commemorative products produced by the Royal Dickie Mint “Tears for Souvenirs” They are going at cost price only £1.00 each and we have at least 26 million of them to shift, Unfortunately Liverpool Direct is charging the council £2.20 to sell them. Different budget lines, different lines, it’s all legal. Ha ha! By Jove, my Diddymen learned well from the Squire of Grotty Cash and my diddy love child Doc the MacIllMarmaliser. We get by with a little help from our friends.

Tatty Bye everybody, Tatty Bye!

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